


The only hope for me is you

by apataeavaca



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bodyswap, Bottom Sam, Boys In Love, Brother/Brother Incest, Brotherly Love, Dean Being an Asshole, Everyone Is Alive, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hand Jobs, Homophobic Language, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Incest, Love Confessions, M/M, Possessive Dean, Protective Dean Winchester, Shameless Dean, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet Dean, Sweet Sam Winchester, Top Dean, Violence, Wincest - Freeform, Wincest AU - Freeform, protective!Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-06-04 07:10:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 34,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6647476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apataeavaca/pseuds/apataeavaca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a very popular student in his senior year in college; his hobbies include making out with hot girls, being the awesome guitar player that he is, and messing with his little brother. Sam, on the other hand, carries the burden of being the one responsible for their parent's divorce... At least that's what Dean makes him believe.<br/>Everybody knows the Winchester brothers hate each other, but when Dean nominates Sam to be the Queen for that stupid Haloween Party, everything changes. Now Dean have to see the world through his brother's eyes, and soon he starts to realize they are much more alike than he would like to admit... and maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate his brother the way he thought he did.<br/>"Can I be the only hope for you? Because the only hope for me is you alone"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where it all begins

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [A única esperança](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/192499) by apataeavaca. 



> Dean's POV

My life is boring. I mean, even though I was really popular, the most awesome guitar player in town and a really good reference in woman, being fabulous was tiring. Really. That was why I enjoyed spending most of my time playing pranks on everyone and everybody, so I could promote the general enjoyment of all people in this college.

In that exact moment, for example, I was sitting on the cafeteria, with a least a dozen of “close friends”, waiting patiently for the moment that the most popular target of my pranks was going to show up: a tall slim guy with the most ridiculous hair on Earth, which used to make him look like an awkward ugly girl.

“Really, Winchester, that was the best joke ever!” I heard someone say over my shoulder, and I was actually sporting a smile that barely fitted my face. “Look, there he comes!”

I moved myself on the bench and crossed my arms in my chest, watching him approach the table on the corner, under the sign “Halloween ball: King and Queen Nominations”. Truth was, I had this amazing idea and went for it, submitted the guy’s name. Under “Queen”.

The expression on his face when he realized what was going on was simply priceless!

We watched him, who looked unbelievably angry, and the entire cafeteria was laughing. His eyes scanned every person in the hall, and then stopped on me; he looked at me with an ironically dangerous smile on his face, but I was too busy laughing to care, and eventually he left the cafeteria, looking ready to murder someone.

“Genius!” said one of the guys in the team; could be the captain, but maybe was just anybody, I didn’t really care. “D’you saw his face? He looked like someone had just punched him! Really, man, that one was really genius!”

I just waved at him and walked away, agreeing about being a genius, but my smile faded right away when my two best friends showed up looking really pissed at me.

“Congratulations, that was a real jerk move, even for you” said Cas, nodding in my direction. “You’re such a child!”

“Hey, why are you pissed at me so early? I did nothing!”

“Yeah, right” Chuck’s voice sounded almost angry, which was a little surprising, coming from Chuck, who generally was such a calm guy. Cas was usually the one who was constantly angry at me because of my pranks. “You clearly don’t have that little voice inside your brain that says when is the right time to stop doing so much shit”

“Do you have it?” I asked laughing, but Cas’ voice was suddenly low and serious:

“Dean”

“I just thought it would be funny, ok?” I defended myself, adjusting the cap on my head and looking away. I hated when Cas and Chuck were right.

“It was. For these assholes that call themselves your friends.” Said Cas, looking at the general direction where I was just a minute ago, surrounded by the guys on the team. “But have you even stopped for a minute to think about how Sam would feel about it?”

I just looked away again and didn’t responded, turning away and starting to walk towards the exit. Of course, I stopped to think about what that Sasquatch would feel about the prank. I just didn’t really care. Because the truth was that that ginormous kid with that ridiculous hair and who I loved to tease about looking like a girl was, indeed… my own brother. 


	2. The way I hate you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

                That was the idea of healthy joke my brother had. Not that I agreed, but I wasn’t in much of a position to argue about. Of course, I did what I could to keep myself as away as possible from him, trying to be practically invisible on college, so no one would notice me at all. I tried really hard to avoid Dean when we were home, too, and tried not to meet him on the corridors when we were in college, trying to avoid him at all cost, but… Dean seemed to have a radar that said “ _Weird little brother coming this way_ ”, because he simply was everywhere I was. Really. I just couldn’t scape him, I had just accepted I was going to be his personal joke forever. Or, at least, till he finished college, but I was already hopeless; he should have finished last year, so I would have to deal with him just one year and one year only, but of course he managed to fail some of his classes and I was stuck with him this year again.

After I left that evening, however, I simply turned away and took the exit on the back of the cafeteria, so I could avoid Dean on the way home. I walked as fast as I could, trying to get home before him and just close myself on my room for the rest of the day until he would get bored of being home and leave, so I could have the house all to myself for at least two or three hours while he was somewhere with his friends, like he used to do every night.

Anyway, today was Friday. And on Fridays and Saturdays, I usually had the house all to myself all night; the only thing I had to do was get home before him and wait a few minutes before he left. _That was easy_ , I thought. Usually Dean would walk all the way home really slowly with his stupid bowed legs, probably talking on the phone with Cas or Chuck or some random girl, since his car had been confiscated a couple weeks ago (when he hit that kid’s car – Fergus’, I guess – during an irregular race).

Imagine my face when, smiling like an idiot, I opened the door when I got home, only to find Dean seated on the table, with a spoon full of cereal at middle way to his mouth and this dangerous expression on his stupidly pretty face. I almost had a heart attack. Really.

“Hey” he said, with a smile on the corner of his mouth that made the little wrinkles on his eyes show up and his freckles pop. “What’s up, little brother?” he added when I did not respond.

I realized I was stuck on the kitchen’s door, with my keys on one hand, my backpack hanging from my shoulder and my eyes opened with surprise, so I just turned away quickly and crossed the kitchen really fast, running up the stairs. I heard Dean laughing humorless behind me, but I managed to ignore and entered my room, shutting the door really carefully before falling on my bed. I used my fluffy pillow to muffle the scream I couldn’t contain.

I hated my brother, really hated. Not that it had always been this way; in fact, I used to like Dean very much when we were little, and he used to really care about me, but it had been a long time ago. I couldn’t even remember how it was like, to be honest.

I spent the following couple of hours enumerating the motives why Dean was a pain in my ass:

One – he just couldn’t miss one opportunity to humiliate me in front of everybody.

Two – he thought he was the most handsome guy in the world.

Three – all of his “friends” on the team were total assholes, just like him.

Four – the girls he fucked were sluts.

Five – he just didn’t knew the word “cleanness”

And last but not least – he was the worst big brother in the History.

I tossed the list across the room and looked at the watch by the bedpost. It had been almost three hours since I closed myself on my room, Dean was probably gone by now. I was also freaking starving.

Just in case, I opened the cautiously and put my head on the corridor to listen and guess if it was safe to walk down the stairs. The silence could only mean one thing: Dean was long gone. Finally happy again, I stepped out of the room and started making my way towards the kitchen again, babbling some 80’s song that was stuck in my head since I left the house this morning. But, of course, I was wrong.

Dean was sprawled on the couch. He had brought the videogame downstairs and was now with his eyes glued on the TV, with his fingers moving so fast on the joystick I just couldn’t follow. I held my breath and, trying not to catch his attention, I tried to make my way back as quietly as I could.

“I can see you” he said before I could even move.

“Shit”

I closed my eyes and tried to breath normally. Well, fuck. He had already seen me, and he didn’t looked like he was going to leave anytime soon, so the only thing I could do was leave myself.

I should make this clear: I tried. I really tried walking past him without starting a fight, but how could I just walk away when the fucker had dropped the bowl of cereal and spread milk all over the carpet?

“What the fuck had just happened here?” I heard myself saying before I could stop myself, but trying really hard not to yell.

“What?” he said, without even looking away from the TV.

“What is all this crap, you asshole?” my voice sounded really angry. Because I was! Cleaning that fucking carpet was a nightmare, and I was responsible for cleaning the living room!

“What did you just called me?” Dean turned at me and stepped up. I was taller than he was by now, sure, but suddenly he seemed gigantic, with those broad shoulders and muscled arms. I was supposed to be really afraid, and don’t get me wrong, I was, but I was also pissed, and for a moment I didn’t really realized what was happening.

“Asshole!”

“Listen, you little bitch, before you call me anything, remember who was the responsible for our parents’ divorce” he said, clutching his hands around the collar of my shirt and literally spilling the words at my face.

I just waved in silence, hoping that he was going to release me, but that didn’t happened, so I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. His balled fist punched me in the stomach and before I could even think about what happened, he was gone.

I tried not to, but I just couldn’t manage to stop the tears that rolled down my face.

That was why I hated my brother.  



	3. How everything ended up like this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

I don’t even know what I was doing when I left home. I hated being forced to leave the house because being there and share it with Sam fucking sucked. I really hated.

Anyway, I was back home at eleven straight, but this time I was alone. I vaguely remember turning down a girl or two, too much drunk to think about anything else, then coming back all the way by walking (God, I would kill to have my Baby back, I swear) and simply falling on my bed. Through the night, I had this really strange nightmare where I was chased by myself e started feeling a really strong pain in my stomach, but besides that, I couldn’t remember anything at all. About all night.

The next day, when I woke up, I was strangely not in a hangover, wasn’t stinking like I normally would after spending so much time in a bar, wasn’t tired, and it didn’t seem like three in the afternoon yet. On the other hand, it also didn’t feel like I was in my bed, and that definitely _wasn’t_ my bedroom.

I closed my eyes, trying to remember what the hell had just happened last night. I couldn’t remember much, right, but I knew for a fact that I had collapsed on my own bed, on my own room, wearing the same clothes from the day before and…

I opened my eyes again. Actually, I widened them. I sat down quickly and looked around one more time. Of course that wasn’t my room, of course that wasn’t my bed, of course I wasn’t hangover, of course I had woken up early and was tidy and clean, because that wasn’t me. That was Sam!

Yeah, alright, I was officially going crazy. I wasn’t me. Literally. I was in Sam’s bedroom, using his clothes and inside his body! I screamed. What else could I do? I screamed with desperation, I screamed because that was scaring the hell outta me, but that low voice that came out of my mouth wasn’t my fucking own!

I got up from Sam’s bed and walked to the mirror, just to confirm what I already knew: I looked like a girl in Sam’s too long shaggy hazelnut hair.

To my surprise, that pain in the stomach I felt during what I thought was just a dream belonged to Sam too. I lifted up his pajama shirt and faced a horrible bruise in his stomach – I mean, my stomach, I guess… Or not, I didn’t even knew what was going on! – and asked myself what the hell had he been doing, but didn’t have much time to think because I was distracted by a scream coming from the other bedroom. I mean, I heard my scream, with my voice and my vocal chords, from inside my body, but I wasn’t the one screaming; it was probably Sam, figuring out what had just happened. I mean, supposing I wasn’t going crazy for real.

I ran to the door and slipped my head in the corridor. I mean, Sam’s head. On the other side of the corridor, Sam did the same thing with my body and we just faced each other for a moment. Then we screamed again.

“What in the name of the Lord is happening here?” my mom asked, coming out of her own room. I hadn’t seen her coming home from work last night; sometimes I almost forgot she lived here. I mean, she was never home. In that exact moment, for example, she was holding an earring and was completely ready to leave again. “Are you two fighting already? This early?”

I couldn’t even open my mouth to respond, and Sam looked like he was going to throw up if he tried to, so mom just kept looking at us, waiting for a response while putting on her earrings.

“Alright” she said, arching a brow like Sam used to do and I hated. “Since we’re all already up, let’s go take a nice breakfast, I have to talk to you boys.”

I gulped and followed her down the stairs, avoiding Sam’s still scared look. We sat by the table and mom stacked a pile of food in front of Sam, who just looked down horrified, so I grabbed all the food and started eating.

“Aren’t you going to eat something, Dean?” she asked, looking at me with the corner of her eyes.

“I’m eating!” I responded with my mouth full of cake and the box of milk halfway to the cereal bowl.

“Yes, I’m seeing, honey that’s really good, but I’m talking with your brother.”

I opened my mouth again to reply, but Sam was faster this time.

“Aw, yeah, I’m starving” he said with a poor imitation of my tone of voice, pouring himself a cup of coffee and drinking almost all that shit in just one gulp.

“Dean Winchester drinking pure coffee…” said my mom, looking from Sam to me with a very funny expression, almost like we were aliens. “And Samuel Winchester eating cereal? Are you boys okay?”

I dropped the spoon with a loud thud on the bowl and Sam lowered his cup of coffee. We looked at each other and without saying a word, we exchanged our food, avoiding looking at mom, who was still looking at us as if we were complete strangers.

“So?” she said, looking at the cup of coffee and back to me. I gulped again and took it to my lips. I tried really hard to avoid having to take a sip from that disgusting dirty hot water, but mom kept looking at me. I took the cup to my lips and took a sip, trying not to grimace, but spit back when she turned to Sam, I mean, to my body, I guess... Oh, fuck, what a mess.

I watched Sam make my hands shake as he carried a cereal spoon to his mouth under mom’s gaze, who smiled widely and looked down for a toast, which she filled with butter. Sam used the distraction to spit the cereal on a napkin, folding it carefully and throwing a big smile back to mom. I smiled to her too, trying to remember I was in my brother’s body.

“What do you wanted to tell us, mommy?” Sam asked. I closed my eyes in embarrassment, trying to ignore the fact that those words were really strange coming out of my mouth.

“Aw, yes” she responded, apparently ignoring that too “I’m leaving for a business trip…”

“Again?” said Sam.

“ _Bon voyage_ ” I said.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” mom asked again.

Sam and I nodded quickly and she rolled her eyes and continued.

“Yes, Dean, again. And thank you, Sammy”

“Where to?” continued Sam.

“New York”

“What?” he yelled.

“Dean!” mom said widening her eyes and looking from me to Sam and back to me. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?” we asked in unison.

“Like this! How you boys did when you were six and wanted to confuse me!”

“Sorry” we said together again.

Mom took a deep breath before she looked at us again.

“Right. Like I was saying, I’m leaving tomorrow midnight. I’ll come back in two weeks. Until then, Dean, watch out for your brother…”

“Oh, spare me! He can watch out for himself” I said, crossing my arms at chest level, but then uncrossing because they also hurt like a son of a bitch, God knew why.

“I know you can take of _yourself_ , sweetheart” she responded, looking at me like I was crazy. I was starting to think I was too. “But Dean’s the oldest, so…”

“I’ll take care of him” said Sam, interrupting her and preventing me from speaking another bullshit. Dammit!

“Very well” continued mom. “So, now I’m going to work and – Dean, stop looking at me like that, is just two weeks! _What is wrong with you two today_?”

“Nothing!” we said together one more time.

“Right!” she screamed, taking her hands to her own forehead as if it hurt. “I’m leaving!”

Said that, she picked up her purse, kissed me on the forehead – obviously because she thought I was Sam – and then walked out the door, letting Sam and I alone.

We just looked at each other and screamed again. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?


	4. What in the hell was going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

My life sucked.

We had one week untill Halloween, but _this_? No way could I handle it. Suddenly, I was wearing the worst costume _ever_ , and I couldn’t just go to the store and change it.

After mom left, Dean and me, I mean, me and my body, in which Dean was in right now, screamed one more time. We yelled for good, actually, but I quickly remembered mom was probably still on the backyard and made Dean shut up. And incredibly, for the first time in my almost two decades of life, he actually fell silent.

For a moment, I just stopped and listened with Dean’s ears – oh my, my head was completely messed up! – and only spoke again when I heard mom’s car turn down the street.

“What have you fucking done?” asked Dean, wearing my body, standing up and looking at me threateningly. The thing was that I wasn’t afraid of my own expressions, and I knew that I was in his body, so I was stronger and for once I could defend myself if he tried anything. I smirked at him and felt Dean’s smile on my face widen with the sudden thought that he was probably feeling pain right now, from that punch from last day.

“What are you talking about?” his voice sounded coming from myself in that deep tone I hated with all my forces.

“You did something! Who else could have had a genius idea like that? Look at me, I look like a ugly hairy girl!”

I managed to ignore the comment about my body.

“How could I be responsible for that? What do you think I am? Little witch in town?”

“I don’t know!” he yelled, pushing his fingers through my hair (I mean, since he was one the one wearing my body, should I say his hair? Fuck, that was a complete mess) looking really confused. Suddenly, though, he widened his eyes: “Why is that happening? Why you want to cry?”

“I don’t.”

“Not you, it’s me! I mean, it’s you _body_!” Dean yelled again, obviously trying to hold back the tears. “Could you please make this fucking stop?”

I laughed. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I just laughed, and then reached to touch his shoulder, but his body (mine, actually) reacted right away, flinching at the sight, since it was so used to get beaten by Dean’s hands.

“Shit! What is wrong with your body?”

“Well, nothing” I replied, stepping away and getting him a glass of water, in which I dropped a full spoon of sugar to try to calm him down. “It just reacts bad to things that mean harm to it”

“But what in the hell is meaning harm to your body?”

“You are”

Dean just rolled his eyes and drank all of the water in just one gulp. Meanwhile, I filled a cup with coffee again and took a sit in front of him by the table.

“Right” he said, much more calm now, putting the glass away from his slight shaking hands. “Let’s think about what we did yesterday. There must be some good explanation for all this crap.”

“I woke up,” I said in a boring tone. “Went to college, came back and found you…”

“Yeah, right, because I left Chuck and Cas and came back earlier, and later you came back from your bat-hole and found me in the living room again.”

“Then we fought”

“And I went away”

“To where, exactly?” I asked putting the empty cup back on the sink along with Dean’s empty glass.

“I- I can’t remember,” Dean said scratching the back of his neck. I mean, my neck. Whatever. “Why don’t you just cut this stupid hair?”

“Because I like it like it is” I said with a threatening gaze, and I knew it was a good one, since it was actually Dean’s. “And if you lay one finger on it trying to cut it, I’ll rip your dick right off without minding the pain. Do I made myself clear?”

“Ok, ok!”

“So, it brings us back to the fact that it is all your fault” I concluded, leaning against the sink.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I remember just fine everything I did yestarday, and I sure did nothing to make something _this messed up_ happen. But you left home and don’t even remember where you were, so obviously you did something really bad.”

“Of course I don’t, this is ridiculous!”

“Oh, is it? Stay here, then, and try to remember what you did last night.”

I left Dean in the kitchen and went to the living room, my mind so full I couldn’t think straight. Dean had left me with a hell of a hangover, so I had an idea of what exactly he did last night… not to mention the stink of a body that hadn’t been in a shower since Friday morning.

Rolling my eyes, I just walked upstairs and towards the bathroom, but Dean appeared right behind me just in time.

“Oh hell no!” I said. “You can stay right where you are, I’ll shower first!”

“No way!” he screamed and run to the door, but I went faster. Just like he always did to me when we were kids, I blocked the door with his broader body.

“I know you don’t remember, Deanno, but last time you were on a shower was yesterday at seven in the morning. I, on the other hand, had a shower just before I went to bed last night. Think about that and just let me wash this stinky body of yours, for fucks sake.”

Dean stared at me for a moment, seeming a little bit confused, but eventually let go, turning away huffing.

Triumphant, I stepped inside the bathroom and closed the door behind me, happy to finally wash that smell out of me. I asked myself where Dean could possibly have been last night while I stepped out of his clothes. When I realized what I was really doing, I freeze, but now Dean’s body was only wearing his boxer shorts.

Undressing myself suddenly meant undressing my brother.

“Right, Sam, just breathe” I murmured to the reflection on the mirror, looking inside those stupidly pretty deep green eyes. Dean and I didn’t seemed really alike, but we were brothers, after all.

Last time I saw Dean in his boxers I was like twelve, which is more or less the time when we started fighting about everything and stopped being friendly to each other. It was also the time when he started beating the hell out of me. Not that it made any difference, but still, seeing Dean’s bare chest was still a little odd.

I glanced quickly to the boxer shorts Dean’s body was wearing and looked back at the mirror, observing the way Dean’s freckles spread all the way through his face and shoulders and chest. There wasn’t a better word to describe my jerk brother other than _pretty_ , and I knew that if he ever hears me saying something like that, he would beat the hell out of me just because. Then I touched the point on his face where I had I mole, but Dean’s cheeks only had freckles.

I sighed, giving up the inspection on his body, and got rid of his boxers finally. Without thinking about it, I just took a deep breath and turned on the shower, coming under it; I rubbed myself without even see what I was doing, just worried about taking that smell off of me. I jumped it out of the shower a good fifteen minutes after, wrapped a towel around my (Dean’s) waist and left.

Now I just needed to find a decent outfit in the jerk’s wardrobe. 


	5. Dealing whit it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

Right, I left Sam take a shower first because I was really in need of a bath. I mean, my body was. Whatever.

While I was waiting, I jumped back on Sam’s room, intending to find a change of clothes, but I was suddenly distracted in the middle of the place. His room was simply fascinating, to say the least. There was glowing stickers glued everywhere, it made the room feel like the night sky, and there was an actual little telescope by the window. It had been years since I went inside his room for the last time, actually, and to say that things have changed was the understatement of the History. It used to be a common boy’s room, with blue walls and all, and now it’s walls were covered in shelfs and books and CDs…

It took me awhile  to find the closet’s door, and when I stepped inside, I was suddenly engulfed by plaid and flannel. I took my time opening each and every drawer, every little space in his closet looking for something wearable, but all of Sam’s clothes were exactly the same: tops too big, pants too tight.

I huffed, almost giving up, but buried deep on the last drawer I managed to find a pair of grey sweats too old and too big, and a black Aerosmith shirt. Perfect, I thought. Then I looked closer again.

Of course they were perfect. Because they were mine. Or at least used to be, like a zillion years ago. I asked myself why would Sam keep those, but didn’t bother to think about it too hard.

I shrugged and stepped out of the room, hoping Sam would have finished his bath. Actually, he had, and left a trail of perfume in the corridor. I took a deep breath, allowing myself to enjoy the strawberry scent of his shampoo for a moment – it felt like childhood – before entering the bathroom and locking the door behind me.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean, I looked at Sam’s reflection. Oddly, being inside his body wasn’t so different from being inside my own, probably because we were much more alike than we’d like to admit.

I undressed with trouble, mostly because everything in Sam’s body seemed hurt all over. There was a scar under his brow that I had never noticed, and his chest had really strange purple marks. Looking at the rest of his body, I actually became a little concerned about how much bruises and wounds it seemed to have. The most painful was that one on his stomach that I had felt last night, which I thought to be the most recent one. Besides that, I found many little surprises on his body that had _really_ thrilled me; I already knew he had a tattoo on his chest, ‘cause I had spotted it weeks ago when he tried to keep it covered (probably because he was trying to hide it from mom or something, although I doubt she would ever notice. She was never home, after all) and failed miserably, but now Sam had something much more interesting: a piercing. _A freaking piercing on his left nipple._ And it was surprisingly... I don’t know, sexy? God, that was disturbing.

I jumped under the shower and tried not to be there for an eternity, but damn, that was hard! Sam’s skin was so soft I just couldn’t stop touching, and it was so confusing! Because technically, it was Sam’s hands touching his own skin... God, at the end of this day, my head is going to explode.

I wrapped a towel around my head and shoved myself on the clothes I had taken from Sam's room. When I went back on the corridor, I almost bumped into him coming out of my room and apparently wearing the strangest combination of clothes he found on my closet, which included a leather jacket too small to be wearable. He just arched a brow in my direction and left without saying a word.

I considered following him down the stairs for a moment, but decided to go back to the room. According to my faint memory, the last thing I did before it all happened was sleeping. Maybe if I went to sleep again, everything would go back normal.

I jumped on Sam’s bed and stared at the ceiling, covered in glowing stars. What in the hell was going on? How would something like that happen to me? And worst of all, how to make everything okay again?

I don’t know exactly when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, the blue pointers on Sam’s clock beside the bed marked 5p.m. I jumped out of the bed and run down the stairs.

“Finally!” said Sam, sprawled on the couch and looking straight to the front door. “Mom should be arriving any minute now, we need to talk!”

“Right” I said, jumping the back of the couch and sitting right beside him.

“First of all, don’t forget to call me Dean when we’re around her” Sam continued, still staring at the closed door. He was making me seriously nervous. “Until we solve this _thing_ , we have to deal with it, so for God’s sake, try not to make something stupid with my body, ok? Don’t forget I’m allergic to apples. And don’t you _dare_ touch my hair! I have pain pills in the drawer on the left of the closet, if you need.”

I spent the following seconds trying to understand the mountain of information, but haven’t had time to process, and when I opened my mouth to ask about those bruises, the door opened behind us.

Mom entered and locked the door before noticing Sam and me sitting on the couch. Then she screamed.

“Oh my God, are you two still acting like this?” she asked, one of her hands on her chest, like she couldn’t breathe right.

“What do you mean? We’re acting completely normal” said Sam, turning on the videogame.

“Oh no, you aren’t! You’re in the same room for more than two seconds without fighting! You’re sitting on the same couch!”

I just jumped on the other couch. Everything was making me so nervous I almost could feel those stupid tears Sam’s body insisted in producing forming behind my eyes. Mom continued staring at us with a really suspicious gaze for a moment, but then seemed to give up trying to understand us and went right to the kitchen.

“What do you boys want for dinner tonight?” she asked, her voice sounding distant.

“Pasta!” Sam and I screamed together. Mom dropped something audibly on the kitchen, but said nothing.

“Go help her!” Sam said behind his teeth (I mean, my teeth… whatever).

“What? Why?”

“Because that’s what I do!”

“You help her cook?”

“No, you dumbass, I just stay away from you!” he almost yelled, pushing me out of the living room.

I just rolled my eyes and went to the kitchen while Sam run back to the videogame. My videogame, I should say.

“Sam, you came to help, sweetheart?” Mom said as soon as I entered the kitchen.

“Hm” I said. Because, honestly, I didn’t even knew what I was doing.

“Oh” she said, without waiting for me to form a coherent phrase. “You’re just keeping distance from your brother, right?”

I just gave her a faint little smile and took a place on the table.

“I know I should have a serious talk with Dean” she continued, suddenly looking really sad and tired. “But talking to your brother is just – he’s so difficult. He is never home, and when he is, I don’t. I am sorry, Sam... What about that ugly bruise on your arm?”

“Hm” I repeated, trying to understand this strange conversation.

“Let me see” She walked over and lifted the sleeve of my shirt, analyzing my arm. I mean, Sam’s arm. “Your brother don’t know how Strong he is” she continued, kissing me on the forehead. “I’m sorry you two are so distant, this shouldn’t be happening. You used to love each other so much…”

“Well, that was a long time ago.”

“I know. And I know you’re not that fragile, but your brother can’t continue hurting you like this.”

That was the exact moment when I realized. Those bruises everywhere on Sam’s body were my fault. My insides twitched uncomfortably, shame or regret, I don’t know. I only knew that I wanted to go talk to Sam and apologize, but I couldn’t move. I seemed to be nailed to that chair, not knowing exactly what to say or what to do.

“When I come back from that trip to New York, in two weeks, I’m going to talk to Dean” Mom promised, going back to the sink and filling a pan with water. “Until then, stay away from him. It has gone too far to be acceptable.”

The scariest thing? She was right. While I watched her work on our dinner, my head turned like a wheel. I was going to throw up.


	6. Who's to blame for it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

Spending the weekend at home was really tough. Well, being Dean, I knew I could just get out of there and go to a bar or whatever, but because I was still Sam, I had nowhere to go, so I just stayed inside all weekend.

Saturday night was easy – I just spent the day on Dean’s videogame, pretending to be him in front of our mother while he kept safe distance from me. Sunday, on the other hand, were ridiculously boring, since I had to spend most of my time locked inside Dean’s (because that1s what he mostly do) room while he and Mom packed her luggage.

Mom had to work much more than she could handle since Dad left. Having to raise Dean and me while working on a company that demanded her most of her time, made she age much faster than usual, and although I knew this whole situation wasn’t entirely my fault, I couldn’t help to blamed myself… for that, I accepted my punishment: being home alone with Dean every day. Which hurts a lot, considering that every time I tried to say something, he would try to punch me in the face. Or on the stomach. Or kick my shins. Or push me against the furniture.

Now, however, it was awesome being able to stay home in peace, because I knew he wouldn’t risk his own body. And although I had to stay in Dean’s stupidly clean room the entire time when usually I should have been helping mom through the day, I was kinda content right now.

I mean, I was, but then mom entered the room.

“Why don’t you came down to dinner, honey?” she asked, handing me a sandwich and a glass with juice.

I tried to think like Dean would:

“I figured you and your other son were too busy” I answered, stuffing my mouth with the sandwich.

“Dean” she said in a worried tone. “I hate to see my two sons so–“

“Mom. Just don’t.”

She took a deep breath and looked away from me. It was really weird seeing her act like this near me, but I had seen her around Dean a lot and knew what it was like. Sometimes I felt sorry for both of them, but then I remember the suffering, and the sympathy just fades away.

“I need to go. I’ll be back soon” she said.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to hug her and ask her to stay, but Dean wasn’t like this. Dean was the kind of son that is just thankful to have the house to throw a party, so I just thanked her for the sandwich and wished her a good fly. She then gave me a kiss on the forehead (Dean’s forehead) and left. I heard her walk down the stairs with Dean and managed to keep hold of my tears (it was much more ease to keep them since Dean’s body was so controlled).

I closed my eyes and concentrated my strength in trying to sleep.

 

__________---_____---_____---__________

 

Next day, after I woke up an hour earlier (like I usually did to try to avoid Dean), I was walking slowly to college dragging my backpack and eating a glazed donut, when I realized what going to college in Dean’s body meant: revenge. I shoved the entire donut inside Dean’s ridiculously pretty mouth and literally ran all the way to the campus, really admired with the fact that Dean’s body was so athletic.

When I arrived, the campus was still a little empty, but not totally, which meant Dean’s little squad of jerk friends was already there; they saw me and came closer immediately. I recognized the captain of the football team, Michael, who was probably the person that inspired the invention of the word “jerk”, and his girlfriend, Jo: I knew them because we had some classes together last year, but they never seem to notice me. Actually, I doubted any of those guys knew Dean had a little brother, much less that this brother was that weird Sam from the History course.

But, I mean, even if they do knew that, they didn’t knew the half of what was going on.

“Hey, Deanno!” Michael said. I just gave him that smirk I knew looked simply amazing on Dean’s stupidly handsome face and didn’t stop, walking away. “Hey, man, what’s up?”

“Fuck off” I said simply, spotting a girl sitting on the stairs alone with her face buried in an old looking big book, and walking directly towards her.

I heard Dean’s “friends” asking what the hell was wrong with me, but I just ignored them.

“Hey” I took a place alongside the girl.

“Hey, what’s up, Sam?” she said, putting the book down. When she saw whom she was talking to, however, she widened her eyes.

Truth was that girl was, indeed, my best friend since eight grade: Meg.

“It worked!” she said suddenly smiling so hard I thought her pouty lips would rip.

“Wait, what? Aren’t you going to yell at me?” I asked arching a brow. Because Meg simply _hated_ Dean, since he was such an idiot who would always pick a fight with her. One day, way back in the day, I remember she gave him a punch in the face because he had called her a “frog with a freaking big mouth”. I remember never being happier in my entire life.

“’Course not! I know it’s you, Sam”

Then it was my turn to widen my eyes. I looked at myself and I was still in Dean’s body (which, as crazy as it may seem, wasn’t so much different from being inside myself… I mean, his body was much more larger than mine, and he had this spiky short hair that I wasn’t used to, but in general, I was pretty much comfortable), so how did she knew that I was me?

I looked back at Meg and she was laughing at myself.

“What is going on? How do you know that?”

“Well, first of all, Dean would _never_ leave the house without a jacket, never. He would never turn Michael down, also, not to mention that he would NEVER come and talk to me, ever. And, well, maybe I’m the one who did this to you… I mean, sort of –”

“Wait, what?”

“Come with me” she said already getting up and pushing me towards the Library, where almost no living soul used to approach. We ducked in behind the bookshelf and then she started again: “I came up with this idea Friday night, after that stupid joke your dick-of-a-brother invented. I went to your house to check on you and heard you two fighting, and I knew he was being a jerk with you again, so I ducked in behind that hideous bush on your front yard and waited for Dean to leave, like I knew he would. Then I thought ‘wouldn’t it be sweet if you had to feel what Sam feels when you do this, you son of a bitch?’, and the idea popped on my mind right away. I followed your brother through the night after that, waiting for the right moment. Then I called Ruby.”

I tried to say something, but Meg hasn’t finished yet.

“You know Ruby, she said yes right away, so she put on that red dress she bought in that fancy store last year and headed to the bar where your brother was. I was waiting outside with a plan, and when Ruby arrived, I handed her a pill; she went inside, seduced Dean, and then put the pill on his beer. After that, everything went out pretty ease, we just had to tie him and do the ritual.”

“Ritual? What ritual?”

“Ah, you know, a few Latin words, some ingredients and voila.” She said like it were totally normal and we used to make rituals on a daily basis.

“How do you…?”

“You know Ruby’s aunt? That one that calls herself a white witch or something?”

‘“You mean that crazy woman that we thought were high all the time?”

“Yeah, well, turned out she was really a witch. She gave us a spell that was supposed to make Dean feel your pain or whatever, but I swear we didn’t knew that _this_ would happen! So we waited. We thought about calling you on Saturday, but when we figured out how the spell had worked, we thought you were going to be a little uncomfortable…”

“A little uncomfortable? A _little_?” I almost yelled. “I’m going to kill you, Megs! You and Ruby!”

“Hey, you should thank us! We did you a favor!”

“Yeah, right, because I’m so glad I have to walk around sporting that ugly face!”

Meg rolled her eyes: “Please, you two are the most handsome guys in town. Stop being so dramatic”

“I’m NOT being dramatic! Let’s go find Ruby and reverse this crap right now!”

“Reverse?” she said while following me back to the cafeteria. “Why do you wanna reverse it? We haven’t even had any fun!”

“I don’t want to have fun, I want this to be over! Jesus, you two are so clueless”

Meg huffed and followed me toward the school grounds. Ruby was lying on a bench with his head in Charlie’s lap, whose red hair shone brightly in the sun, the headphones stuck in her ears.

“Ruby!” I yelled, pulling out her headphones. Charlie almost fell from the bench and Ruby sat up so quickly she almost dropped her backpack.

“It’s Sam” informed Meg, crossing her arms looking very upset and pushing Charlie (which was looking at me with an open mouth and wide eyes) to the side to be able to sit.

“It happened, then?” asked Ruby, standing up and touching my (Dean’s) face, apparently looking for some trace that something had gone wrong.

“Obviously”

“What is going on? What did I miss?” asked Charlie.

“Ruby and I used a spell from her aunt, but something went kinda wrong, and now Sam and Dean have swapped bodies” answered Meg, again like this whole situation was super normal.

“Cool! Ruby’s aunt is so awesome!”

“Yeah, but Samantha here is an ungrateful bitch who don’t know how to enjoy the opportunities we life gives him”

I just showed Meg my middle finger, rolling my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time this morning.

“Now I see, is clearly Sam” said Charlie. “Who else would be this grumpy so early in the morning?”

“Fuck you” I answered with zero conviction.

“Hey princess, why are you so stressed, baby?” Ruby asked snapping her fingers to grab my attention.

“He wants to reverse everything”

“What? Why?” said Ruby and Charlie at the same time.

“Because! This is ridiculous! You should have asked me first to see if I _wanted_ to be part of this crap!” I almost screamed. I was really pissed off, to say the least, and now that I knew what was happening, there was nothing I wanted more than to get rid of this mess.

“But it was pretty obvious to us that you _wanted_ this!” Meg yelled back. “You always complained about how you wanted Dean to pay for everything, and now that you can, you want to throw the opportunity away! You could just go back to the cafeteria and throw yourself into some random guy’s lap and Dean’s bad-boy-reputation would be marked forever! Or you could just threatens him with that and it would be awesome! And you could bargain with him, saying you know how to undo it, but he has to promise never to talk to you again or something! Think of all the wonders we could do with this whole situation!”

“Wait, maybe you’re right!” I said pushing Ruby to the side to sit on the bench too. Charlie, on the other end of the bench, almost fell, but I just ignored her swearing and continued with my line of thought. “I mean, this whole bargain idea is a really good one, actually! I’m gonna go there, tell him to never touch me or try to talk to me ever again, and then we can just reverse it all, and then –”

“No, no,  wait. We can’t” said Ruby, chewing on a nail nervously.

“Ruby, what in the name of the Lord are you saying right now?”

“You know, we just can’t!”

“Can’t what?”

“Undo it, we can’t, it’s done!” she said flinching under my sight.

“Are you telling me I’m supposed to walk around in this stupid body for the rest of my life?” my voice sounded like I was just about to cry.

“No! Is just that… You know we got a little confused during the ritual, right? The thing is: the ones affected can only reverse the spell. You have to apologize to each other for all the hurt inside your little cold hearts or something. I’m sorry, Sam!”

“Great!” I yelled again, now smiling cynically. “Then we’re going to stay like this for-fucking-ever!”  



	7. How to survive a normal day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

I woke up.

                Just like that. I wasn’t late, I wasn’t sleepy, and for the first time in my entire life, I wasn’t desperately hungry. I guess Sam’s body was really used to getting up early and all, because I sure hasn’t slept before 3a.m last night, that I was sure.

After what Mom had said about the way things got so out of control between Sam and me, being able to sleep was much more difficult than it seemed. I was completely sleepless during the night, and then I thought about everything that was happening and the possible reasons for it; I tried to define how I felt about it. I knew I had to talk to Sam. Of course, I should have thought of that before, without waiting until such a thing happen before I realize what I was doing with the kid, but I don’t know what was my problem! The truth is that I was always a little irrational when it comes to my little brother.

In the beginning, I fell literally in love with the new baby, but then I started to realize little Sammy was prettier than little Deanno, cuter, sweet and delicate, and I was just… me. I still loved my little brother back then, I still wanted to protect him from the world, but then, when we started to grow up, everything started to feel different, and I felt immensurable angry at him and the world because our parents were getting a divorce. I knew that wasn’t Sam’s fault, I always knew, because after all I was the troublemaker, I was the one who used to leave a mess everywhere I went and picked fight with all the boys in the neighborhood and I was the reason our parents were fighting. But it was much more comfortable to pretend that the fault wasn’t mine, it was so much more comfortable for me to say that they were getting divorced because Sam was such a faggot, who looked awkwardly like a girl.

It was easier to hit Sam every time we had a fight and make him feel inferior (even though I thought he was incredibly smart) than admit I felt jealous of him.

That behavior of mine eventually had become so common that I doubted it was possible to stop now, but I knew I had to try at least. With all that that was happening suddenly in our life, I had to do something, because as much as I tried to avoid thinking about that, Sam’s body remembered me all the time that I had only been fooling myself all this time:

I cared for him.

Damn it. Damn it a million times.

When I really got up from Sam’s bed Monday morning, I had made my decision. I was going to apologize, I was going to try to redeem myself in every way, and I was going to be the best big brother Sam never had.

I opened the closet door and searched through his clothes one that I remembered seeing him wearing, a really long time ago. I closed my eyes and tried to remember why that outfit was stuck in my mind, but I just opened really huge smile when my fingers brushed against the black shirt I was looking for. For a moment, I doubted that I would fit in there (I had never noticed, but my little brother had grown up so much in the past years, had become so much taller and bulkier!) but Sam’s body was still slender enough for that.

I positioned myself in front of the mirror. All the little hairs on my body (I mean, Sam’s) bristled – although that was actually not that many, considering that Sam’s body was surprisingly waxed every-fucking-where –, because that was the same warm feeling I used to have every time I thought about him. And I know it sounds kinda fucked up, but that was the way I had always felt, since that little bump started to grow inside my Mom’s belly.

I frowned and cursed, suddenly realizing that all this time I was trying to ignore my feelings and avoid my brother, hiding myself under that mask I had created, and now everything seemed so childish and idiotic that I seriously wanted to puke… But Sam’s face in the mirror came out so cute I almost had a fucking heart attack.

So I just ran away from the mirror before things got worse, I grabbed Sam’s backpack and left home. I found that walk all the way to college was way easier with Sam’s clothes than mine (damn it, such tight jeans), and mainly because his legs were so freaking long! But I knew I couldn’t push his body too hard, because the closest to physical exercise he practiced was go up and down the stairs every day at home.

When I got my feet on the building (I mean, Sam’s feet, whatever), the corridors were so full it was actually hard to move. I looked through the crowd trying to find Chuck or Cas, but the only recognizable people I found was the guys from the football team.

I walked towards them and took a seat besides one of the guys and continued trying to find Chuck and Cas.

“Excuse me?” said a blonde girl whose name I always seemed to forget, looking at me like I was some kind of a alien.

“Oh, hi you!” I said, trying desperately to remember her name, because I was damn sure I had slept with her at some point last year.

“What d’you want here?” she continued a little louder, suddenly gaining the attention of the entire group.

“Hey, look guys, the princess thinks she can seat wherever she wants, isn’t that cute?” said Michael, the captain, now approaching me and the girl

“What?” I asked trying to contain the impulse to ask if they were high again instead.  

“Listen, gorgeous” he continued with a lot of sarcasm, wrapping his arm around the girl (Jo! That was the girl’s name, Jo!). “, now that that jerk Winchester had decided to join the rabble, I’m the one running this show, _capiche_? Now do yourself and us a favor and go see that losers like you that you must call your friends”

I just looked at him, shocked.

“How’s that, mate?” I said, standing up and raising an eyebrow. “What was that again about you running the show?”

“Who do you think you are?” He asked, nudging one of the guys, who accompanied him in the laughter. “Have you forgotten the last time you messed with us, honey?”

“Will you stop calling me that? And what the hell are you talking about? What ‘ _last time’_?” I continued, adjusting my backpack over my shoulder, ready to punch that jerk on the face. “Have you and your little friends start to smoke behind the cafeteria again?”

I didn’t realized that announcing loudly about what they used to do and where, surrounded by the team in weight was a really, really bad idea.

“Well, d’you wanna know what I think? I think you better take this slut ass of yours far away from here,” Michael said, holding me by the collar of my shirt and almost lifting me in the air. For a moment, I had forgotten how skinny Sam was next to these monsters, but my brain stopped thinking for a moment when I realized he had said that Sam had a ‘slut ass’. “Unless you want us to remember you how went that so called ‘last time’.”

Michael left me and turned away. I, of course, fell sprawled on the floor, but I tried to quickly gatter my things and get out. I swore loudly and walked away, cursing the fact of not being in my body or that son of a bitch would have to make an emergency quick visit to the hospital wing. I was lowering myself in the drinker to fill the mouth with water when someone interrupted me.

“What do you think you’re doing, jerk?” said Sam, with my voice, pulling me by the hair and making me face him by force.

“Ouch, what the hell? What do you want?” I asked loosening myself from his grip. I mean, my grip. Well, whatever.

“Did you happened to look in the mirror this morning before coming here?” he asked, dragging me away from the water. I took a deep breath and stared at him, remembering exactly everything that I wanted to tell him but had almost forgotten for a moment as I was having a discussion with the entire football team… Because of him.

“’Course I did!” I answered trying to avoid the image of Sam’s body in that too small jeans and super old T-shirt.

“Oh, great! So you looked in the mirror and decided that that look was really good to ruin my life, right? I mean, more than you already ruined during every fucking day of my life, of course!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked ignoring the fact that he practically said that I had never cared about him, even when we were kids.

“Tell me you’re messing with me, Dean. Please tell me you’re not that obtuse!”

I stared at him, thinking of a nice way to kill him in my mind, but he stopped me before I could reach a conclusion.

“Have you ever seen me leave the house in the past six or seven years with my hair looking like this?” he asked, stopping along the way and putting a hand on my shoulder to make me stop too. At this point, Sam's body apparently was accustomed to be near mine, so I didn’t even flinch like the first time he tried to touch me.

“Looking like what?”

“Did you really looked at the mirror?”

I nodded, raising an eyebrow.

“And you really didn’t realized that my hair looks like a bird’s nest, for fuck’s sake?”

I widened my eyes. Sam rolled his. That is, mine, which means that I widened his eyes (oh, fuck me, I was literally going insane).

“That’s great, you really are that stupid” he said, dragging me into a corner and pulling the bag from my shoulder. “You’re lucky I always carry something in my bag”

I just observed while Sam searched for something inside his backpack. After rolling things around about three times, he took out a hair comb and pushed me against the wall.

“Be quiet or it’ll hurt like a son of a bitch. Hair’s too long for that little comb, it’s going to be a miracle if I succeed combing this nest.” he said holding me by the shoulder with one hand and placing the one with the comb on my hair. He started brushing it carefully, and although it did hurt like a son of a bitch, I wasn’t really feeling anything, actually. I just couldn’t focus on anything besides his hand burning hot on my shoulder, or the way his cold breath touched my cheeks while he tried really hard not to make this hurt more than necessary.

I asked myself how weird it would look, if someone looked at us and saw Dean Winchester combing his not-so-little brother’s hair, holding him really close and obviously caring not to pull his hair too much. I closed my eyes when I felt the comb slide easily through my (Sam’s) hair, and then wondered if the hairs on the back of my neck were bristling because of the mess I was suddenly feeling or if it was just a fear reaction about the proximity of our bodies. In any of the ways, it was like something was slowly squeezing my guts until I couldn’t breathe normally.

I opened my eyes slightly when Sam took his hand from my shoulder, and met his eyes pretty damn close to my face; I knew I was actually looking into _my_ eyes, but still... the hazel undertones of Sam’s reflected there and, for a moment, I felt really confused.

“Great” he said again, shoving the comb back inside the bag. “It looks so much better now, thanks God. Now listen to me, Dean, if I find my body out of our house with my hair looking like this ever again, I’ll beat the shit out of you, I fucking swear! Are we clear?”

I nodded, placing the backpack on my shoulder again.

I looked again inside his eyes. The hazel undertone was gone and I just stared at the boring moss green of my own eyes.

My mind was messier than ever. Should I talk to him? Should I tell him, finally, that I was sorry? Should I really show him that I cared that much?


	8. Remembering the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

The bell rang just when I was going to say something really rude to Dean. He just nodded and turned toward the stairs, leaving me behind.

I rolled my eyes and followed him up, turning in the opposite direction when we got in the end of the first stair.

I threw myself into a chair and waited to attend the first class. While the room was filling rapidly with people, some flashes of the last three days were filling my head. I had to admit that this whole thing was as crazy as possible - I honestly still thought I was going to end up waking up in someone's kitchen floor, with a killing hangover and three empty bottles of tequila by my side and realize it was just a bad dream -, but Dean and I... we had never been so close (than we were forced to be right now). I mean, I’m not counting that time when we were really friends and did everything together - including bathing, if I may say.

“Winchester” Said a voice, calling me back to reality. I looked around a little confused, but it was only the teacher checking who was present for the class. “Sam Winchester?”

“I’m here!” I replied with zero enthusiasm.

“Excuse me?”

“I said ‘I’m here’!” I repeated, this time louder.

“What are you doing here?” the teacher asked, looking directly at me with an arched eyebrow.

I looked around to make sure I was in the right room and stared back at her.

“Well, I’m waiting for the class to start. What else am I supposed to be doing here?”

“Funny” she said, but sure wasn’t smiling. Like, at all. “Do you want to have a nice talk to the principal again?”

I widened my eyes.

I mean, Dean’s eyes.

Damnit, I was Dean!

“No, thank you, I’m leaving right now” I said and grabbed Dean’s backpack really fast, running away from the classroom.

I had no idea where Dean was supposed to be right now and I really didn’t wanted to miss my classes. I wandered the halls looking for him, who was probably trying to find my classes too… unless he had had the brilliant idea of not going to class, which was probably the best alternative for Dean, but also meant that we both were missing our classes.

Great, I obviously always dreamed about failing my classes when I got into college!

I left the building, trying to avoid all the other students, and headed to the only place that probably no one would think to go: the alley behind the building where those assholes friends of my brother used to go to smoke before their classes.

When I arrived, I realized I was right. No one was there, except for Dean. For a moment, I thought it would be better to just turn around and get out of there before he noticed me, but Ruby’s words came to my mind and made me stay. _“…the ones affected can only reverse the spell. You have to apologize to each other_.”

I stared at Dean, inside my body, leaning against the wall with a cigarette dangling from his lips and closed eyes. I rolled my eyes, approaching him slowly. I doubt Dean had even noticed me until the moment I sat down next to his feet and pulled the cigarette that was between his fingers, giving a long and deserved drag.

“Since when do you smoke?” he asked, sitting by my side on the floor.

“Did my body wanted it that bad?” I asked avoiding his question.

“Fucking yes! This is so stressing, I just can’t control that body of yours, and it wants to cry every fucking time of the day!”

“I’m sure you’re going to figure out how to deal with it.”

“You didn’t answered my question” he said interrupting me.

I rolled my eyes once more, blowing the smoke away from his face.

“I don’t know, Dean… it’s been forever, I think” I answered finally, passing the cigarette back to him.

“What do you mean ‘forever’?”

“I mean I smoke since that day when I was twelve and you took me to that park and told me this was going to make us look cool” I said looking at my shoes (I mean, Dean’s shoes) like they were remotely interesting.

“But… that day, I remember, you said you were never going to get near one of these ever again” he replied, handing me the cigarette.

“Well, as you can see, it didn’t worked all that well” I finished the cigarette, blowing the smoke into the air.

“All those years… why didn’t you tell me that?” he asked staring at the smoke, apparently unable to look me in the eyes.

“You avoided me for two whole weeks after that day”

I meant to stop talking after that, but I guess I wanted to tell him this. I wanted to make him feel guilty! So I just continued.

“Then I refused to drink that disgusting beer before going to school. I was twelve, for fuck’s sake! I tried to talk to you, tell you I wasn’t comfortable with that, but you were so busy doing things that made you ‘look cool’ that you just didn’t want to listen to your snotty little brother. After that, you started to avoid me when I wanted to spend time with you, and you made clear you didn’t care about me or what I did. You said I was useless; nobody was going to miss me if I died, much less yourself, since I was that burden in your life, that stupid little brother you had to look after… You said you wished I was never born. I guess that was the day you discovered I was a really good punching bag, and that was the first time you raised your hand to beat me. That was also the first time I hated you, and then I just stopped loving you.”

An awkward silence descended upon us after that. I didn’t say anything else, and Dean didn’t even flinch, still looking up where the smoke had disappeared. My chest was tight with the memory and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to go home and never leave my bed again. I was almost getting up to leave when Dean grabbed my wrist, holding me down.

I stayed there, waiting for him to do something, but he did nothing. I stayed there, waiting for him to say something, but he said nothing.

The only thing that told me what was going on was a quiet sob before he let go of my hand and run away crying.

I took a deep breath and leaned my head against the wall. Fuck my life.


	9. How to kiss a girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

After that, everything around me was twisting, and the entire world seemed to crumble. I locked myself in the bathroom and threw water on my face, trying to calm down. With my arms on the sink, I looked in the mirror. Sam’s blurred face looked back at me, his eyes red like he were crying, while the one who was crying was me.

How could I allow the things to get to this point? Why do I have to be so stupid? Why couldn’t I just look at him and say I was sorry?

I carefully wiped away the tears from Sam’s eyes and made the mistake of looking at him again.

My head felt like it was going to explode at any minute, but even then, there was three questions pulsating clearly my mind: Was I truly sorry? Do I really wanted him to forgive me? Do I really wanted us to go back to being brothers?

Yes.

Yes.

No.

Yes, I was _really_ truly sorry, I really regretted everything that I’d done. Yes, I wanted him to forgive me so bad I was actually crying! And yet, no. I didn’t want us to be brothers.

I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be able to hug him and don’t feel guilty. I wanted to be able to be around him, near him every second of every day without the weight of our destroyed family on our backs... On my back.

Sam was afraid of me.

My mother was afraid to talk to me.

My circle of friends hated me.

What kind of fucked up man was I?

I heard the signal hit again and took advantage of the movement of students to be able to get out of there without being noticed. I heard Chuck and Cas calling me and I almost answered before I remembered that I wasn’t me, but I crossed the courtyard in time, slipping through the gate and covering the path to my house as fast as possible. I just needed to put my head in it’s place.

 

 

___-___

 

 

I wasn’t happy to say that I had spent the rest of the week avoiding any proximity to my brother, leaving early and coming back really late (like I was used to before all this happened), but leaving home was much more lonely when all you wanted was to be there .

Talking to people was much more difficult when the person you wanted to be talking wasn’t there.

Being there now was like not really being anywhere.

I arranged at the college office a copy of Sam’s schedule and had survived through the week very well, actually. I knew Sam would hate to miss his classes, so I went to college every day, but I wasn’t prepared to face him. Not yet. Not after all that I had realized during this week. So, like an idiotic child, I avoided him.

Now that was me, a fool trapped inside his brother’s body, outside the house on a Saturday night because I had refused to go somewhere to get drunk again and didn’t really want to be _inside_ the house, because it meant I would have to face the only person on Earth who I was ashamed to talk to, and who, incidentally, was wandering from one side to the other wearing _my_ body.

I sat on the steps in front of the door and took a look at Sam’s well cared hands. I wished to be in my body so bad I wanted to cry again.

I was trying to hold back a flow of wild tears when I heard someone stepping on the front yard and didn’t think twice before hiding behind a bush in Mom’s garden, trying to avoid having to talk to whoever it was.

“DEAN!”

I almost had a heart attack. It was Cas.

I mean, it was usual for him to be at my house looking for me, but I had to admit it was really weird when he shoved his face in the bushes to call me.

“He’s here, Chuck!” Cas screamed, pulling me out of the bushes by Sam’s too long hair.

“Ouch! What the hell, dude?”

“We demand you to explain to us right now why where you avoiding us.”

“Excuse me?” I said in my best impersonation of Sam.

“We know it’s you, Dean.” said Chuck rolling his eyes.

“Wait, what?”

“The girls told us what was going on” said Cas, sitting on the steps of the front door like I was a minute ago.

“What _girls_?” I was really confused right now.

“You know, Ruby, Charlie, Megs…”

“Megs?” I repeated, almost choking on my own saliva. “You mean Meg Masters? Meg ‘the slut’ Masters?”

“Yep, that one.”

“What does this silly bitch is saying about me out there?” I asked already planning the most painful deaths to the girl. “Wait, how does these girls know shit about what's going on?”

“Well, they know everything, since it as them that did the spell.” answered Chuck. “Meg and Ruby, I mean. They set up a trap for you and you fell like a duckling.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“No, I’m joking to see which one of us can come up with the stupidest story, _your turn_!”

I just rolled my eyes, punching him on the shoulder.

“As if” he said, laughing at my attempt to punch him. Sam was so thin, damn it. I punched him again just to prove a point.

“What are guys doing here, after all?” I asked sitting next to Cas.

“Well, obviously we came to see if you were alive or if you had already drown in your sorrow or something” he replied elbowing my ribs.

“What sorrow? Dude, I’m fine!”

“Deanno, my dear” said Chuck; sitting next to me and putting an arm around Sam’s shoulders, he made a gesture with the other arm towards the sky: “Is Saturday, the night is beautiful, all the sexy girls are out there somewhere, and you’re hiding on your mother’s bushes. You’re obviously  _not_ fine.”

I laughed and took his arm off of my shoulders.

“Dean would be there with ‘all the sexy girls’, but as you can see, I’m not exactly _Dean_ right now”

“C’mon, man!” said Cas, giving me a little punch on the arm. “Just because you’re in your brother's body, doesn’t mean you’re not you! Sam still goes out with his friends, even with everything that’s happening… Can’t you do the same just once?”

“Really, dude, you’re starting to scare me big time” Chuck said widening his eyes. I was scared of myself too, but I didn’t say that out loud. “Just go inside, put on Sam’s best clothes and let’s go somewhere fun, come on!”

I thought about the idea for just a moment, before deciding that it was the best I could do: distract myself with something else, so I could stop thinking about my little brother before things got worse.

“Fine” I said standing up. “But if I’m going, fuck if I’m gonna go there just to change clothes. Let’s go right now!”

 

 

___-___

 

 

The club was so full of people it was difficult even to walk in. We seated on the bar and Chuck ordered something for the three of us.

“So?” said Cas while shoving his elbow on my ribs again, arching his super black eyebrows in my direction.

“So what?”

“The bargirl over there.”

I looked at the general direction where Cas was pointing. The girl was dancing while serving drinks, like she had little wheels under her feet. She had cute dark brown hair and wore an impossibly tight jeans with a plaid shirt wrapped around her thin waist. She looked damn attractive, really. I looked back at Cas and Chuck: “What about her?”

Chuck rolled his eyes at me for what felt like the tenth time that night.

“She’s totally eying you right now.” He arched a brow too and smirked.

“What?” I asked putting my bottle back on the table and turning back to look at her again. “’Course not.”

“Yes, she _is_ ” Chuck said like I was a three year old child. “She couldn’t keep her eyes off of you since we stepped inside the club”

“You’re exaggerating,” I said lowly, finishing drinking my beer in one sip.

“Jesus, this spell better have an expiration date for yesterday! Dean Winchester, you’re officially unbearable when you’re in your period!” Cas said pulling Chuck along with him towards the dancefloor, leaving me to my empty beer.

I rolled my eyes and almost started to “drown on my sorrow” again when the girl approached me.

“Can I get you something else?” she asked smiling kindly. I looked at my empty beer and back at her blue-green eyes.

“Yes, please” she put another beer in front of me and then left to the next customer right after.

I turned in my chair to be able to look at the dancefloor where Chuck and Cas were nowhere visible. The bad music was too loud to be bearable (needless to say it was far away from enjoyable), but people danced to the beat like their lives depended on it. I almost emptied the second beer, feeling like my head was going to explode from all that ridiculous noise.

“Excuse me?” someone put a hand on my shoulder. “My shift ends in two minutes. Do you wanna dance with me?”

I put the beer down and looked at the bargirl once again, standing in front of me. Guess Cas were right.

Well, if I needed a distraction, there it was: beautiful eyes and volunteering.

“’Course” I said jumping from my chair and following her. “How do I call you?”

“Julie” she said simply, moving graciously towards the dancefloor. “You?”

“Dean.”

She smiled and started to move her hips with the beat. I was never an excellent dancer, but I was always a good liar, so I could pretend just fine. I laced her waist and danced with the girl – Julie – for at least a couple of songs before she talked again, getting really close to be heard:

“You’re really hot.”

“I could say the same to you” I replied, stepping back a little to look at her eyes again. She was smiling widely and then leaned closer again, putting her lips over mine.

I corresponded the kiss immediately, feeling my head spinning with the too loud music uncomfortably filling my ears. Her lips tasted like lipstick and she was a really good kisser, but the ambiance of the entire place was so annoying I had to break it.

“D’you want something to drink?” I asked as soon as I broke the contact. She just smiled and nodded, pulling me back towards the bar again.

There, she bent over the counter and called for the blonde girl who had probably just replaced Julie’s shift at the work and ordered two new beers. I recognized the blond hair right away: it was that girl from college, Jo or something.

“Just a minute” she said while serving another person before reaching for the beers and hand them to Julie. Then she saw me. “Julie, are you with him?” she asked widening her eyes in evident surprise.

I arched an eyebrow, intrigued, while Julie replied smiling: “Yeah”

“Are you serious?” Jo started to laugh. “Do you have any idea who is this?”

“His name’s Dean” said Julie looking really confused now.

“Dean my ass! He's gay, Jules, everyone calls him _Samantha_! Watch out, if anyone from college sees you with him, people are going to start calling you a lesbian.”

I widened my eyes and looked back at Julie while Jo walked away laughing at her own stupid joke. I tried to say something, explain what was going on, but I just panicked.

I ran away.

Once again, that was me: locked inside a bathroom, trying really hard to avoid insistent tears.

All I could think about was the shit I had done. I kissed a girl. I had completely forgotten Sam, who was now staring at me in the mirror.

How could I be such an asshole? I wasn’t me! I was Sam. It didn’t matter how I might be feeling or how I needed an escape, I shouldn’t have done that to my brother. That was Sam’s body, it was like I had crossed an invisible line that separated what I wanted and what was right. And I didn’t even want to kiss that girl to begin with! I didn’t even want to be there!

I looked in the mirror and I bit my lips. Sam, reflected there, did the same; his lips turned red instantly. I couldn’t taste the girl’s lipstick anymore, but something in that picture I was seeing in the mirror made me slightly queasy. I touched Sam’s lips with his fingertips, feeling the smooth softness and wandered if girl had liked to kiss those lips.

I guess I had never thought about it that way. How did she felt while kissing Sam? How would it be like to kiss soft red lips like Sam’s? How would it be like for me… to kiss _Sam_?

I shuddered slightly with the thought, feeling a little scared of myself, because that was probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever thought.

His reflection continued staring at me with his thick desirable lips... For a moment, something crawled inside me and tangled all my thoughts.

I leaned my head towards the counter and let the flow of emotions wave through. Then I felt sick, I wanted to puke, and almost lost control as I realized that twisted emotion I was feeling was nothing more than... envy. Pure envy. I felt envy of everything that could touch Sam, I was suddenly madly jealous to remember that those lips had just kissed another mouth.

I shuddered again and wished I had never left home.


	10. I can't forgive you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

I would never admit that aloud, but that was the most boring week of my life. I continued avoiding Dean, like I always did, and it was actually fun for a day or two… then I realized he was avoiding me as well. And by ‘avoiding’ I mean ‘doing everything he could to keep total distance from me’.

I tried to be as discreet as possible (after all, I wasn’t that bad of a little brother) while I was walking around with Dean’s body, but I continued doing all the stuff I would normally do. I still went to the Library every morning with Megs, I still flirted with the barista at the coffee shop, but that went a little not too good on Dean’s popularity. The guys from the football team had taken control over the campus in little to no time and the jokes and pranks were no longer creative nor funny. It used to be actually really fun to see everybody laughing when Dean stole a bra from some random girl after gym, or when he messed with the schedule of a kid in his first semester and made him walk through the entire campus a couple of times trying to get his classes right… now it was just panic everywhere. People were getting their heads shoved down into toilets, or being forced to head to the hospital after having to run around the block a ridiculous amount of times to retrieve their books…

People (and, surprisingly, me too) were starting to realize that life on campus were much more fun when Dean was the only one in charge. A lot of people came to me to complain about it… and a lot of girls also came to slap me in the face because of something Dean had done to them.

Besides that, I had to admit that my life was going pretty well now that I was no longer a target. I also have to repeat that my life was really boring without my pain in the ass of a big brother.

During the week, I had barely seen him, since he didn’t show up in any of the meal times at home. He actually didn’t show up anywhere at any moment, he was like sand running through my fingers. Not that I really wanted to meet him, no, I was just curious that maybe he had something to say after that super weird conversation we had last week; after all, it was the longest conversation we had in years without fighting.

But anyway, I may have realized during this week (when I didn’t have to hide from him) that I didn’t hate him that much. I mean, I still hated the jackass (and living in peace without being afraid of being punched in the guts was a real relief), seriously, but in some way I felt a little empty without his pranks and jokes, because after all, that was what made us still brothers.

Kind of.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way about the guy who treated me like garbage for such a long time. Actually, I should be thankful for everything that was happening. It was the longest we lived under the same roof without fighting since, you know, when I was twelve. But I knew that this ‘peace’ I was living was only because Dean was completely unsettled with this whole bodyswap thing (he was crying, for fuck’s sake! I have never in my life seen Dean Winchester cry), and I knew I should tell him I knew how to reverse everything, but that would mean I would have to forgive him. That would mean I would have to forget all this years, every tear that I had once let fall from my eyes.

And I wasn’t prepared for that. Not yet. Not knowing he would probably apologize and pretend to be sorry just to get his body back and once that happened, we would return to our little routine: waking up early to avoid him, coming back home early to avoid him, locking myself in my room to avoid him… I didn’t want to go through all this again, that was the only reason I was grateful that for once he was avoiding me.

At the same time, I wished none of it were real.

My head was a colossal puzzle right now, and nothing seemed to solve it.

Chuck and Castiel had come early to get Dean - who was hiding in the front yard all day, God knows why – to somewhere a couple hours ago. I was lying on the couch with my popcorn when the door opened with a loud thud. I dropped the popcorn bowl with the surprise and cursed aloud, trying to hold the reminiscent popcorns. Then I looked over the couch and found my body leaning against the closed door with eyes shut and panting hard.

It took me a second to decide if I wanted to approach him, but Dean looked like he was going to pass out.

“Are you ok?” I asked jumping over the backrest of the couch and walking fast towards Dean, who slipped to the floor and braced his knees. “Hey man, what’s going on?”

I could feel that he didn’t know what to say, his eyes still closed like he couldn’t look at me right now, shaking lightly. I couldn’t figure out what to do now that I was kneeling at his side, but when I saw a tear roll from the side of his eyes, I did the only thing I had sworn to myself I would never do:

I hugged him.

I stretched my arm, pulled him to my chest and felt him crumble in my arms, tears wetting my naked shoulder and strong sobs shaking both of us. That was a really strange situation, hug Dean while he was in my body… I could tell something was off about him but I just couldn’t tell what, and that was pissing me off.

So I waited for him to calm down and start breathing normally again, then pulled him away from my chest slowly, trying to grab a look at his (mine) face and find out what in the hell was going on.

“Sammy” he murmured, still not looking at me.

I ignored the name I hated and just kept holding him by the shoulders. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I widened my eyes in surprise.

Dean stared at my chest, trying to clean his face from the tears without much success.

“For everything” he said finally looking me in the eyes. “For every little thing I did to you for all those years, just– just let me… let me be your brother again. Please, Sammy, please”

I looked at his impossibly green eyes. I knew those were actually my eyes, and I tried to look for the truth behind them, but I couldn’t. How could I look for the truth inside Dean’s eyes if those were mine? But if those were my eyes, then why was my fucked up mind seeing green?

Maybe Dean already knew what he was supposed to do to reverse the spell. Of course, Chuck or Cas must have told him. Great.

“Sorry, Dean” I spoke finally, holding him again just for a second before moving away. “I can’t forgive you. Here,” I continued, touching him on my chest, placing his hand over my own heart: “everything that happened still lives. I can feel it every time I see your face when I look at myself in the mirror. And I’m sorry about that too, but I guess I could never call you my brother again.”

He took a deep breath and stood up, whipping the tears from his face furiously.

“Right” he said and walked away, taking with him all my confused thoughts and pain.


	11. What in the hell is wrong with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

People could call me names, insult me, and beat me until I was a pool of nothing, but nothing could be worse than hearing that from my brother. He could have slapped me in the face, punched me, he could have made me kneel and beg for forgiveness, anything would be better. I don’t think anything would hurt more than what I was feeling right now.

When I went upstairs, it was like leaving behind a ginormous piece of me, a very important one, and I knew that _piece_ was Sam Winchester. I know it sounds like I was exaggerating, I know it sounds crazy, but it felt like my chest was being squeezed and I just couldn’t breathe right.

I jumped on the bed, trying to calm myself down, but it was useless. I had never cared about my brother’s life that much before, and it was starting to sound ridiculous that I was now freaking out and acting little a little child who needed all the attention I could get. And suddenly all the attention I wanted was from Sam! It was almost like I had acquired… feelings! That was the most terrifying thought I had ever had in my life.

I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and I had no idea how I was supposed to act. I wished Sam would forgive me. I wished I could talk to him, understand him, walk around the campus with him like a brother would, redeem myself for all the damage I had caused. I wished he liked me just as much as I realized I liked him.

I knew my apology was vague, I knew I could have done better than just say that I was sorry, but he had made himself pretty clear before I could say anything less pathetic: we weren’t coming back to what we were before, he was never going to forgive me.

I stared at the stars that covered all of Sam’s walls, trying to think about anything else than Sam, Sam, Sam, but that was the worst idea I had that night – including the fact that I went to a club with Chuck and Cas and somehow managed to get back home crying all over myself. I felt my head spinning, the glowing stickers seemed like the lights on that stupid club, Sam’s shirt were glued with sweat on my back and I felt even more desperate and confused.

I needed a shower.

I undressed slowly. Once again, Sam’s face was staring back at me from the mirror. I touched lightly the tattoo on his chest and felt a little shiver up my spine; his body was so beautiful, slim and soft, tall and so white now that the bruises were gone…

Fuck.

That was me again: the loser thinking about how pretty his own baby brother were.

It was fucked up, to say the least.

I couldn’t refrain myself, though. I wished I were in my body, so I could touch his tattoo with my own hands, feel his skin under my fingers, feel his fingers over my body, I wished that piece I had left behind were there with me.

Suddenly I felt how fast my heart was beating, how hard it was to breathe.

Fuck, what was I thinking? Sam is my brother and I was… _attracted to him?_

That could only be a mistake. It couldn’t be possible that I was thinking about him like that, I had just kissed a girl in a club, and Hell knows what could have happened if Jo wasn’t there. I remember clearly being attracted to her skinny body and big hazel eyes…

Oh, fuck.

I looked back at Sam’s eyes in the mirror, the blue-green staring at me like it was throwing at my face just how stupid I was. That girl, that Julie, with her tight jeans and soft brown hair was so stupidly like my brother that I could call _her_ Samantha.

Well, that was great. I not only was acting like a crying baby all this time, but I was also becoming a homosexual. That was amazing, mom was going to be _really_ happy when she came back, she was going to be so proud!

Only not.

I just shut my eyes and entered the shower. I could not accept that, that was completely crazy. Sam was my little brother, I couldn’t like my little brother like that, because he was my brother! My _baby_ brother! _Holy shit_ , that was just too much, even for the Winchesters.

Just imagine what people would think about me if they ever knew! “Have you heard about that guy who fell in love with his own brother? Ew, that guy was really gross…”

I was attracted to the guy I had spent half of my life making his a living hell. I was sick, that’s what I was.

But on the other hand… maybe it was just simply sexual tension. I mean, brother or not, dude or not, Sam’s body was really pretty, you just can’t expect a guy not to feel a little aroused after weeks trapped inside it.

Sam used to be all bones and shaggy hair a few years back, but he was never less than amazingly beautiful. I remember being envy of his pretty face, envy of his hazel eyes, and envy of all the attention he would get from the girls my age when he was that stupidly cute little kid. But in reality, I was just jealous.

So the only thing I could do was try to release myself from that tension that Sam’s image was creating on my head. Then that’s it.

I guided my (I mean, his) hands to Sam’s hips and looked down. Sam’s waist was thin, his skin was too much soft to be real, and suddenly I felt my face warm when I almost allowed myself to slip my hands to his pink half full cock.

Up until now, I tried to avoid this area of his body, mostly because I respected his privacy (which was really hard considering I had to ignore several morning woods), but also because I was a little afraid of thinking about it. Now that I was there, however, the best I could do was to release that stupid tension as fast as possible.

I leaned against the shower wall and slid to the floor, the hot water falling all over my body. Now I just had to think about some hot model and let the magic happen. If it’s just sexual tension, it’ll go away. If it isn’t… well, I didn’t want to think about it right now.

I thought about a random woman, closing my eyes and finally closing my hands over Sam’s cock. I tried to think about what was hot in the woman I was imagining, but when Sam’s image appeared in her place, I wasn’t even a little surprised. I just moved his hand up and down his cock, felling it’s head slide in his fist and his hips move involuntarily while I thought about how gorgeous he was. Sam, on my head, just smiled at me while I moved my hands faster and faster, and then walked in my direction, leaning his body down on mine, kissing my chest. I imagined him lower and lower, stretching his lips around the head of my cock, liking the pre-come while I held his pretty face on my hands. It was just happening in my mind, but allow myself to think about my little brother like that was the best feeling I had ever had. His lips and tongue worked on my cock as I watched him touch himself and come, feeling the tension building on my hips until I came all over his mouth.

Sam’s image disappeared from my mind while I was having an orgasm on his body, the shower water still running over and cleaning his body from the madness I had just done.

Still with my eyes closed, I tried not to overthink the fact that I had just masturbate thinking about my own brother and searched inside my chest, in the middle of the mess of feelings, a confirmation that the so called ‘sexual tension’ was gone. And, yeah, it was. I mean, a little. The thing is, once the tension was gone, all that had left was...

Fuck.

I was in love with my baby brother.


	12. Everything gets messed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

I ended up falling asleep and having the most extraordinary dream of my life. A strange dream. A very, very strange dream.

Of course I had dreamed about Dean at least a million times, but this time was different. Very different.

So it started with me in a candy store. I had free access to everything from crispy chocolates and soft jelly worms and gummy bears... When I realized I was alone, I began to fill the cart with all the things I liked most. I was about to put a large white bar of chocolate in my mouth when I was almost ripped out of there; I looked around and I was home, inside the bathroom, my back turned to the shower running. For some reason, my hair was longer and I was naked, and it was all making perfect sense (after all, I was in the shower, right?), but then I turned around and saw myself sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, masturbating. I blinked my eyes to check if I was seeing right, but suddenly that was no longer me, it was Dean on the wet floor, with his stupid pretty face covered in droplets of water and his stupid freckles and his stupidly handsome wet body. For a moment, I couldn’t resist him and then I bent towards and kissed his chest covered in freckles. He was moving his hips in a hypnotizing way, hand wrapped around his too big cock covered in pre-come, and suddenly all I wanted to do was lick it off and swallow his cock, although I was concerned it wouldn’t fit inside my mouth. So I did it.

The most upsetting part wasn’t even the fact that I was dreaming about blowing my brother, the problem was that I really really wanted that, no one was forcing me. I could deny and say I had never dreamed about him that way, but that would be a freaking lie, God forgive me. It wasn’t like I was in love with my big brother or something like that, Jesus, no, but I could dream, right?

Inside my dream, Dean reached out to touch my face and run his thumbs carefully on my jaw and I realized I was so hard it was actually painful, so I just grabbed my cock and started fucking my closed fist, feeling the orgasm build while my mouth was full of Dean’s cock fucking my throat gently. The pressure was too much, the feeling too overwhelming, and when I let go and came all over my hand, I felt Dean tense under me and then come on my tongue. I tried to swallow, desperate for it, but everything went white and the dream was over.

Something woke me up a couple hours after that and almost fell from the couch (my cock still a little hard from the stupid wet dream), imagining what in the hell could have awaken me. I looked around and everything was still perfectly normal, so I just closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but then I realized what have awoken me: “SAM!”

I jumped from the couch and ran to the kitchen as fast as I could. Dean was leaning against the sink, with a hand around his (mine) throat, face so red it was really scaring.

“What happened?” I yelled, trying not to think about how that erection between my legs was actually Dean’s.

He couldn’t reply, just waved his hand towards the sink. I leaned to grab a look, and almost had a heart attack myself: there it was, a freaking apple. A half bitten freaking apple.

“Dean! What the hell have you done?” I asked grabing him by the showders and shaking. He just looked at me with little droplets of tears in his eyes, turning redder and redder. “I told you I was allergic! Why can’t you just listen to me?”

I tried to think quickly about my options, with Dean leaning against my chest, probably not being able to breathe right: I could call an ambulance and wait while watching my brother choke on himself with my body, or I could use Dad’s old motorcycle forgotten in the garage.

“Great” I said and pulled him closer, looking inside his confused eyes. “You’ll have to hold on a little, ok buddy? Do you think you can wait till we get to the hospital?”

Dean nodded and tried to say something.

“No, don’t try to talk, it’s best if you don’t. I’ll take care of it, trust me”

I locked the door behind me, still holding Dean by the shoulders to keep him steady, and jumped on the motorcycle, helping Dean to get up there behind me.

“Alright, Dean, hold on tight, please.”

Dean slid his arms around my waist (I mean, his) carefully, and I unexpectedly and inconveniently remembered the dream I just had. I gulped and shook my head, starting the motorcycle and visualizing the way to the nearest hospital, trying to remember how to drive that thing.

At every new curve of the agonizing way, Dean’s hold on my waist turned tighter and tighter, his body too hot to be healthy. I suddenly had the urge to hold him and sooth the pain I knew he was feeling; somehow, I felt him so much more fragile, so sensitive it was almost like _I was_ the big brother now. I felt the urge to calm him down and take care of him and make things ok, just like I’ve always wanted Dean to be with me when I was younger. I knew I haven’t had a brother to rely on when I went through the worst of growing up, but Dean was just a kid himself; I didn’t blame him for wanting to have his own life without having to carry his snotty little brother along.

After all, taking care of me wasn’t Dean's job.

I parked at the hospital door and looked back; Dean was practically lying on my back, almost unconscious. I went down quickly and held him close; I would have to carry my older brother inside the hospital.

“Dean, I’m gonna pick you up, ok?” I said and he nodded lightly. It was easy to pick my body with Dean’s muscled arms so I was quickly running inside de doors with his body wrapped tight around me.

Dean were quickly taken to the emergency room, but the doctor said it was better if I stayed on the outside while he examined Dean, then I sat in the waiting room and called Cas. A few minutes later, he and Chuck arrived, looking a little flustered from running.

“So, what happened?” Chuck asked. “Is it bad? Is he ok?”

I looked at them slightly puzzled and shrugged.

“I have no idea, they won’t let me in” I said starting to walk from one side to the other, a little nervous now.

“Excuse me?” A nurse holding a clipboard approached us “Can any of you come with me to fill in the patient's sheet?”

“I’ll go” said Cas going towards her when I let out a groan and stopped walking, scratching Dean’s short hair in a way a little more desperate than I should. “Leave it to me”

“What’s the patient’s full name?” the nurse asked. Cas stopped to think for a second and I let out a nervous chuckle.

“S-Sam Winchester” he said. I went back to walking from one side to the other, hands shoved deep inside the pockets of Dean’s baggy jeans. Fortunately, I had remembered to put on a shirt before we left home.

“Why does he need a freaking _patient sheet_?” I asked Chuck, like he could possibly know. “It’s just an allergic reaction, for Christ’s sake! I already had a million of these!”

Chuck opened his mouth to answer, but the doctor standing outside the door where they had taken Dean interrupted him.

“Excuse me-” he started to say, but I didn’t let him continue:

“How is he?”

“Are you related to the patient?”

“He’s my brother” I replied, really nervous by now. It was starting to look too serious for just an allergic reaction.

“You can come in” the doctor said, letting me walk inside the door.

My body was laying on a bed and looked really tiny in that huge emergency room, but seemed to be ok. Dean was sleeping, the red on his face had faded.

“Is he ok?” I asked feeling my chest a little tight.

“Yes. He is just sleeping because of the medicine” the doctor replied with a smile. “However, it was a strong crisis. You seem pretty close, I suppose it was a little scary for you.”

I nodded. “You have no idea”

“Well, he’s okay now. He should wake up soon.” He smiled again and leaved the room, closing the door.

I approached the bed and looked at Dean. The situation was really funny in the most terrible way: there I was, looking at my own body lying on a stretcher after an allergic attack. If it weren’t so scary, I would have laughed.

“You really are an airhead” I said quietly, looking at my face slightly flushed. Everything since this whole situation had started was at least a little unusual, but suddenly I looked down and saw Dean there, even though it was still my body. I didn’t know why I was seeing him there, but my chest clenched. “You should listen to me when I talk to you.” I continued touching his hand lightly.

Dean let out a very low moan, as if he was having a good dream, and grabbed my hand unconsciously. I smiled, wondering what kind of dream he might be having, but lost the smile very quickly when I remembered the kind of dreams  _I_ had been _having_.

I pulled a chair close to the stretcher with my foot and sat beside his bed.

“Asshole” I said softly not really meaning it, still holding his hand and, to my own surprise, making circular motions with my thumb on it. It was a breakthrough, if you ask me. “You’re the most inconvenient person I know. Including Chuck in this count, just so you know!”

I wondered if he might be listening to me, but he obviously wasn’t. The doctor said he was drugged because of the allergy medicines. I knew how it was, I had taken this medicine thousands of times through my childhood.

“This is so confusing!” I kept talking, almost laughing at myself for talking to no one… although I always felt like I had been talking to no one when I was talking to Dean. But I had already memorized these words, dreaming a million times about a possible situation when I would be allowed to say these words, so I just continued: “I am so sorry for everything that happened between us. I always wonder if it could have been different if I had just accepted that cigarette that day, and then gone drinking with you and your cooler friends… maybe then we could still be good friends. Maybe we could care for each other like we used to do. Not that I don’t care about you, you’re my brother after all. God, I would never say these words out loud if you weren’t drugged right now, but… yeah, I still like you. I didn’t forgive you, but I had never stopped loving you; I once loved you more, right, but I guess these kinds of feelings never fade completely. Maybe it’s just a little rusty with the time and everything that happened, but I guess I could never stop loving you, even if I wanted.”

I interrupted whatever it was that I was going to say next at the sound of the door handle. Dean moved a little in the stretcher with his eyes still closed, and I released his hand quickly, getting up from the chair in one leap and turned towards the door. It was Cas.

“What's up?” He asked, sticking his head inside the room. I laughed internally thinking about how Cas seemed comical, even in the most serious situations, which I admit was a little mean thought to have, since he was such an attentive friend.

“Come in” I said, going to the door and opening it completely, admitting Cas in “I'll let you girls alone.”

I closed the door, still listening to Cas’ low laugh and stopped in front of Chuck, putting my hands on my hips and sighing heavily.

“Is he really okay?” He asked.

“Yeah. Asleep because of the medicine, but the doctor said that the crisis is over and he will wake up soon.”

“Good”

“Aren’t you going to see him?”

“Nah, better leave he and Cas declare their love for each other first” Chuck replied laughing a little, seeming much happier now that we knew everything was fine. “Besides, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Me?” I asked a little surprised, crossing my arms at Dean’s broad chest. “Well, shoot it, then”

“Have you thought about what you have to do to reverse this whole situation?”

I scratched Dean’s neck, a little embarrassed. Chuck had always been my best friend, but there had been a long time since we had a decent conversation, I mean, a serious talk about some important matter. Not that I thought that all this crap were so important, to tell the truth. To me it seemed logical that, like other times, the "magic" that the girls had done soon would die out and then we would go back to normal. Besides, I was not even a little inclined to have a frank conversation with Dean to try to solve this shit. I was fine like this, thank you very much.

“Hm, yeah” I replied. I mean, it wasn't a lie, I had thought about it, really; I just didn’t plan to make a move so soon. “But let's just say that that hasn’t showed as much effect as expected.”

“’Course” Chuck nodded, but kept a really weird expression on his face, with his eyeborws arched. 

“What?” I asked uncrossing my arms and returning my hands to Dean’s pockets.

“You seemed _very_   worried just now.” He said. I stopped to think for a moment; I have really been worried, it seemed obvious, but I wouldn't use the words ‘ _very_ worried’ to describe it, not really. 

“Well” I said, shaking my shoulders uncomfortably. “Dean ate an apple and had an allergy crisis, even though I told him to be careful. I had to get worried, didn’t I? Who knows what might have happened? That’s _my_ body we’re talking about, after all.”

Then Chuck raised his eyebrows in surprise, looking beyond me. I turned. Cas had opened the door and Dean stood behind him, still.

I glanced through them, trying to understand the reason behind the surprised looks, but then I saw Dean’s eyes shine for a moment. He pulled Cas out of the way to be able to look directly at me and gulped, staring right into my eyes.

“Well, I’m happy I was here to hear your thoughts” He said, smirking in that cynic way I absolutely hated.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, slightly frowning, still confused.

“If it wasn’t for that shit going on with us, you wouldn’t mind, would you? I could have died. You wouldn’t mind.”


	13. What I always should have known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

I was feeling a little dizzy. That experience had been really awful. I remember vaguely having to be carried inside the hospital by Sam, which would be a shame if I didn’t happen to be in his body, but I wasn’t even caring anymore. I was feeling really bad at the time, and when the doctor made me lie down on the bed to receive a high dose of some medicine, I blacked out for God knows how long and it were magically wonderful.

I should have remembered though, because Sam actually warned me of the allergy and, besides, I accompanied him to the hospital many times because of that when we were little. I just couldn’t believe how inattentive I was.

But anyway, everything was fine now.

When I felt I was regaining consciousness, still in the hospital, I saw the door being closed and Cas coming inside, laughing.

“What’s up kiddo, are you awake?” He asked, approaching the bed.

“No” I said, feeling good to the point of being able to use some sarcasm. “I'm still sleeping, haven’t you realized I’m a sleepwalker?”

Cas laughed humorless.

“This is so confusing” He said, looking at my face with slightly wide eyes. “You sound a lot like your brother when you’re being ironic like this. Have I ever told you how Sam scares me sometimes?”

“Cas, my dear” I replied trying to sit, since I was feeling very well. My head was still a little heavy, but I was actually pretty awesome. “I haven’t seen any of it yet. You think he’s scary? That’s because you don’t have his face glued on yours!”

“And you do” he concluded, laughing. “Literally!” I rolled my eyes and stood up. “Anyway, what happened the other night? We tried to find you, but you had already left the club.”

“Don’t even ask” I said. “Do you know if I can go out? This room is a little claustrophobic.”

“I think you can. The nurse said you would be able to go home as soon as you were awake” Cas replied opening the door.

I looked over his shoulder and found my body standing outside the door. Talking to Chuck, Sam had my hands on his pockets and looked slightly uncomfortable.

“…I told him to be careful.” He was saying, and I knew it was about me just from the tone he was using. “I had to get worried, didn’t I? Who knows what might have happened? That’s  _my_  body we’re talking about, after all.”

I felt my throat close, as if the allergy was back, but I knew I was just about to drown in tears again, against my will. But this time I wasn’t going to let that happen, this time I was going to keep going, pretend I wasn’t feeling my heart being crushed.

I saw Chuck arching his eyebrows at us and then Sam turned at me, looking confused.

“Well, I’m happy I was here to hear your thoughts” I said, gathering all the forces I found in Sam’s chest to smile cynically.

“What are you talking about?” He asked, frowning at me, looking genuinely confused.

“If it wasn’t for that shit going on with us” I continued, swallowing the ball of feelings that had formed in my throat almost blocking my words. “you wouldn’t mind, would you? I could have died. You wouldn’t mind.”

Sam’s expression fell for a moment and I didn’t knew whether to feel satisfied or to feel bad. I didn’t want to fight with him again, but those words have really messed with me. Again, just like the ones he had said back home. Hearing him say out loud that he didn’t care a damn about me and was just worried about his own body made me want to cry my guts out. Again!

But just as quickly, his expression suddenly turned into a mask of pure anger - or hate, I couldn’t tell right now.

“I can’t believe you just said that to me!” He said through gritted teeth, apparently trying not to scream in the middle of the hospital. I felt the ball back on my throat involuntarily, but I managed to swallow again. “What difference does it make to you? You just spent half of your life ignoring everything I had to say! I shouldn’t even talk to you, WHY SHOULD I CARE?”

“Right!” I said softly, starting to get angry too. “But yes, you should fucking care! Because I am your  _brother_!”

“And you know what's worse?” Sam went on, as if I hadn’t interrupted. I just listened, feeling like I would throw up if I tried to say something. “I care! I fucking care about your fucking life and I care about all the shit that you say and all the crap that you do! D’you think it was easy for me, endure six years having to hide myself in my own home, running away from my big brother, afraid to take a punch just because I was breathing in a way that annoys you, or whatever it was? D’you think you know how it was to endure all the pain without being able to scream? Do you think that just because you’re living inside of me for a week, you know how it was to live six years of tears for losing your best friend in the whole world because I didn’t want to deal with your stupid new friends who couldn’t do anything more than drugging themselves and get drunk all day?”

“You think it was easy to endure our parents making a living hell inside our own home, while you were out with your friends, fucking sluts that you fond on bars? And then, do you think it was nice to hear, all this time, that the reason why our parents were getting a divorce was because I wasn’t afraid to be who I wanted to be, because I wasn’t afraid to tell people that I enjoyed being with boys? Do you think it was nice to listen every day that I should feel sorry for my parents because they have a son like myself?”

“Honestly, your fucking asshole, I really think you don’t know! So don’t try to charge me for what you never gave me, which should be brotherly love, Dean. Don’t try to pretend that you care about what I think about you, not after you have told me I wouldn’t make the slightest difference in your life and especially not after having induced me to end mine!”

I widened my eyes in shock, feeling the tears I was trying so hard to contain overflow all of a sudden, with no escape, having heard everything in silence; the whole hospital stopped to see the show, but Sam wasn’t finished yet.

“You know that awful scar on my face?” Sam continued, apparently trying to contain the same wave of tears I left dripping down his face now. I touched lightly the tiny scar under his right eyebrow. “Yes, I really tried to kill myself that day... If our mother lingered a little longer to get home, I don’t know what could have happened. But you know what? I think it would have been better, right? If I had actually done what you told me to do, if I had just jumped from the second floor, maybe now you wouldn’t have to put up with all this crap that’s going on with us.”

And having said that, he just turned and left.

I could barely keep myself upright with the sobs shaking me, trembling from head to toe, with Sam’s words flying uncomfortably inside my head, as if a knife was being forced into my chest, corroding everything inside and leaving a burning trail wherever it went.

I felt a few pairs of hands trying to hold me still, but I could see nothing, nothing but Sam walking away down the corridor quickly with my body, that half of me that belonged to him going along, making me claustrophobic, there in the middle of the sea of curious eyes who looked at me reproachfully.

I heard Cas’ or Chuck’s voice call me, but I wasn’t sure who it was in the distance of my mind, shaking me by the shoulders while the nurses and doctors kept questioning me about who was really Sam and who the hell was Dean. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I struggled to free myself from whoever it was that was holding me and ran.

I should have known from the start. That thing that was missing from my chest and that I had always tried to fill with women and alcohol had always been there, right under my nose, but I refused to realize.

This whole situation, the tears I couldn’t make stop running from my eyes, it was never about me… it wasn’t about how I felt, it was about Sam! It had always been about Sam, Sam, Sam.

Now, I felt the stupidest person in the world. I knew I was a selfish monster and, above all, I knew I didn’t deserve Sam to even stop to hear me out, but I had to try; I had to chase what I was letting go and who I should never have forgotten was the most important person in my life.

And I thought that I would never say that again, to anyone, but now that was me, and all I wanted to tell Sam I could resume into a simple and pathetically true "I love you."


	14. The art of apologizing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

My eyes were burning. Everything around me seemed a bit dull and blurred, but maybe it was because, contrary to everything I was feeling and all the rage that made me want to scream, Dean’s eyes betray me and fogged my vision, making me want to cry.

So that was me now, crying, and I didn’t even know why, for God’s sake. But I knew a bit of it was because saying all those things aloud seemed to open a hole in my chest that hurt more than anything. Along with the memory of all those years surrounding me slowly, threatening to bring down all the walls that I had built around me to protect my confused feelings, the discussion ended up fully with the last bit of stability I had.

I didn’t know whoever I was at that moment, I couldn’t even call this body mine!

For a brief moment, as I crossed the hospital doors, I wanted to go back in time, back to when we didn’t have to worry about anyone but ourselves, back to the time Dean thought being my brother was good, when he wasn’t ashamed of me and who I was... when we both loved each other.

I felt my chest twitching involuntarily. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

I wish I could tell him that despite everything, I still loved all sorts of small details that made us different, that I loved the way he used to be my superhero in childhood. I wish I could make him remember how it was when everything was easier and we were two dumb little kids that thought that our life was perfect.

I didn’t have the strength to return home like that, but even after all, I was surprised to feel that there was still a small twinge of hope in my heart wanting Dean to yell back at me and make me stay. I wished we could go back to where it all started, join the broken parts and fix them.

It was at that very moment, as I swallowed any tear that was trying to fall from my eyes, I heard the doors open behind me and felt his hands grab my wrist. My heart missed a beat and I turned.

With soggy and slightly breathless face, Dean stared at me, but I stared back at my own face. I was so fucking sick of it right now.

“Wait” he said without letting go of my wrist. “Just let me talk, please. If you don’t like what I’ll say, you can go but please, Sammy, just give me _one_ chance! I promise I’ll never bother you again.”

I kept looking at him, not knowing what to reply. He took a deep breath and slid my hand from his wrist to his hand.

“I know you’re really pissed and probably don’t want to hear me right now, and I know that I didn’t deserve it either, but I can’t wait any longer. Not when all I have left is you.”

I opened my mouth to try to say something, and I didn’t even know what it was, but Dean looked down at our hands and made me shut involuntarily; my hands fit perfectly inside his, and it again made me want to weep.

“This week was the worst week of my life,” he continued, still looking down “and I bet it was as bad or worse for you, but remember me to thank whoever is the responsible for this; if it wasn’t like that, I would have never realized how my life was meaningless. I had false friends, it’s been ages since I had a decent conversation with my mother, and I spent half of my life hurting you, and I was so fucked up I didn’t even see what I was doing!”

“I don’t know how long we’ll stay like this and I don’t know why this is happening to us, but I’m really glad this whole situation is happening; I’ve been seeing things through your eyes, and I realized being near you brings out the best of me. I don’t expect you to believe me, Sam, but I know that I still can change, I still can be the brother you never had. I spent half of my life away from the only person I should have kept right in my arms, because you have always been the only one that can make me be the real me. There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you, because I’m someone else when we’re apart.”

Then he looked inside my eyes. That was when I realized that those weren’t really my eyes staring at me, I couldn’t mistake that deep green anymore. It had always been his eyes, I just haven’t been seeing right. Suddenly, I recovered that beat my heart had lost when I saw him standing there a minute ago.

“When you’re around, I remember all the summers when mom and dad were still together, I remember how it was to carry you around with me anywhere I went, and I remember you smiling at me like I was the best big brother in the world… The best big brother in the world should never let his baby brother down. I know I have been an horrible person and the things I’ve said to you-- I’ll never forgive myself for that, and I could never expect you to do so, but I want you to remember that I love you. Despite everything, or maybe because of everything, I will always love you, and for now on, I will be here if you need me. So if you still want me, I’ll do my best to be the best big brother in the world. If you want me stay, I’ll never leave again, I’ll always be right here. I promise.”

I hated that I loved him so bad in that moment. I hated that he had said all that to me. I hated everything that was happening in my life right now. I hated being in that place, I hated being in his body. I hated that I couldn’t answer him as I wanted.

I averted his gaze and release my hands from his. I didn’t know if I was ready to forgive him, but I knew he was being sincere, I knew that he was sorry, I knew he wanted my forgiveness, even if he had said that he didn’t expect that. And I was willing to accept his apology, but I just couldn’t!

But then again, he was my brother, and even though I hated that, I loved him. And at some point we would have to do something about this whole swap situation, we couldn’t live that way forever.

I felt Dean take a deep breath and pull away, probably giving up on me, and I did nothing to prevent it. I needed to think and all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on and cry.

I thought of how much time would take for Mom to come back from New York. I thought about how long it would take me to go to Meg’s place to cry on her shoulder. I thought about what I would say if I had to face Cas or Chuck (that at that moment should be stuck to the neck with a tsunami of unanswered questions within the hospital). And in the end, I thought about how none of them could understand what I was feeling, because none of them knew what it was like being in the middle of a mess like this. None of them knew how it was to love a person so much that I actually wanted so bad to forgive him, even after years and years of suffering, just because I knew I couldn’t be myself without him too. I was probably the dumbest person in the world for believing Dean’s words, but seeing my brother step away slowly down the sidewalk as the night gradually turned into a new day, I really wished I could forgive him.

Then I realized. Dean was what I needed. It was in my brother’s shoulders that I needed to lean on and cry.

I pushed any hint of tear away from my eyes and ran towards Dean, holding him by the wrist and stopping him just as he had done to me a moment before.

“I want you to stay.”


	15. My side of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

I heard the footsteps and felt the touch even before I realized what was happening. Saying everything I was feeling without actually being able to say the truth was almost corrosive to me, but being rejected again was the end so I gave up trying. I decided that leave him was the best thing I could do, just go back to being strangers under the same roof, but when _Sam_ ran after me this time, I felt like everything around me stopped for a minute just so I could look into his eyes and listen to the only thing my heart wanted to hear now:

“I want you to stay.”

At that moment, when the world slowed down, I saw the whole truth behind what was happening to us: it wasn’t about swapping bodies, because my body has always belonged to Sam, anyway. Nothing I could say would explain what I was feeling, but even if I wasn’t in my body, I realized that now I was finally being myself, it was perfect the way it was, and I wouldn’t change a thing if I had the chance

As the sky above us changed its colors, for a moment all I wanted was to take Sam in my arms and kiss him. But I couldn’t, at least not the way I wanted, so I just looked at him with the dumbest smile covering my face, and before I could even realize, Sam was pulling me to Dad’s old bike agaib and handing me the helmet.

“Let's just go home” He said, and I was immediately glad, because I just couldn’t say a single coherent word right now. I jumped behind him on the bike and automatically hugged him, feeling him tense in my body for a second and then relax afterwards.

I knew I was obviously fantasizing too much, but his "Let's just go home" had been much more significant to me than he probably meant it to be. _Let's just go home_. To _our_ home. Where we could be together, where I could be myself.

As Sam drove us back home, we stayed in a comfortable silence (at least I hope it was), and when Sam parked the bike in the garage, sat on the step stool in front of the door and called me to watch the sunrise with him, I was so happy that Sam’s heart almost couldn’t fit in my chest.

I was in utter bliss, didn’t even know what to do, I just didn’t want to spoil anything. Sam was being so generous to accept my apologies that it had made me I wish I was better at showing my feelings. I was stupidly amazed by his presence now that I wasn’t trying to avoid him anymore.

I sat beside him a little embarrassed, putting his too long hair behind his ear and feeling his cheeks slightly blush; it was still a little awkward to think that I was the one blushing, but I had accepted at this point that my mind worked in a lot of different ways in Sam’s body. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with my hands, I felt really nervous being for the first time around him after apologizing, so I just put my hands on my lap and joined him watching the sky gradually change from purple to pink, then orange and, finally, the sun flooded everything around us with white light.

Sam reached out and laid my hand over his, looking down at our fingers.

“You should know… I am really sorry I can’t forgive you completely” He said looking right at me, but all I could see in his eyes were the stupid moss green of my own eyes. He removed his hand from my lap before continuing: “But if I had to choose to spend eternity being someone else, I would like that person to be you”

I smiled involuntarily again and hugged him on impulse, bringing my shoulders close to his body, and to my surprise, I was fully reciprocated. I felt Sam draw little circles with my hands on his back gently, and this caused me a completely inappropriate – yet stupidly good – shiver.

“Dean” He said softly, with his head resting on my shoulder. “If you really cared for me--”

“I do!” I said interrupting whatever it was he was trying to say, squeezing his body, afraid that he would run away again.

“I just don't understand. If you really care” he continued as if I hadn’t desperately tried to interrupt him, subtly pulling away, letting a soft rush of cold air slide between us, making me shiver again, but in a completely different way. “Why do you act like you hate me? Why would you say those things to me? Why do you just… stopped being my big brother?”

I took a deep breath and stared at sky over my shoulder, afraid to look into his eyes and only see my eyes again. When I started to speak, however, I knew I would have to let it all out, once and for all:

“When Mom told me I was going to be a big brother, I loved you right away. I loved you even when you were still a little pink bundle, and you used to fit perfectly inside my arms. I loved you because you were my little brother, I used to be so proud of myself for being able to take care of you. But then you started growing up and… I don’t know, I guess I started to feel inferior. You were the one that would get all the attention, you’re so smart and talkative, and you have always been the perfect son, people used to call you ‘John’s cute little kid’ and pinch your cheeks and call you pretty. Now I know I was just being a jealous bastard, but at the time it seemed like a huge big deal for a 15 years old teenager asshole.”

Sam widened his eyes and opened his mouth in a perfect "o", but said nothing. I  just thanked internally.

“After that, I thought that the only way I could get as much attention as you was to find my own admirers, so I became friends with a bunch of older boys that followed me everywhere just because I knew how to play the guitar and girls used to like that. Even then, I loved you so much I really wanted my little brother to be with me and see how popular I could be, I wanted you to be proud of being my baby brother… But things got sideways, and I was so mad at you when you rejected my new friends, I was so mad because I thought that you didn’t need me anymore, that you didn’t want me to protect you, so I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need you too, that I was better off without you anyway."

“That year, I spent half of the time drunk and half of the time drugged, and I know this just don’t justify the things I’ve said to you and the things I’ve made to you, but I swear that if I were even a little bit conscious of how much of a monster I was being, I would never do something like that. I would never induce you to attempt anything, Sam, I swear to God.”

I stopped to swallow the tears that I knew would come, but that didn't stopped me to keep on talking.

“Then you made yourself new friends, and I know it was only natural for you to walk away when I started to treat you like you were nothing to me but a burden, but I guess I felt even more mad at you. I just couldn’t accept that you were happy and was carrying on with your life even when I tried so hard to make you feel bad about yourself. When I wasn’t drunk to the point of being unable to recognize myself, I used to wonder why you were always stuck in the back of my mind, why I just couldn’t erase you from my chest, but I always ended up angrier and angrier. I hated that you obviously could live without me when I so pathetically couldn’t! And then our parents started to fight and I knew it was my fault. I’m so ashamed of it, Sammy, I really am, but I can’t change that now. Dad left because of me, Dad left because I started to steal money to buy alcohol and all kinds of fucked up drugs.”

Sam gasped and covered his mouth with both hands. I just couldn’t look at him, and suddenly I felt disgusted of myself and so angry that I was trapped inside Sam’s body right now. I felt like I was contaminating it, like I was a disease that needed to be ejected from his body, but I could do nothing but continue:

“It was easier to blame you, you know? Because suddenly I realized you were growing up to be so attractive, with your new body and new clothes and your stupid long hair, and I felt even more anger! Because even after all this time, I still admired you, I still felt so jealous of you! Everything was just so unacceptable, because I wanted to be just like you. How ironic, huh?” I added laughing humorless. 

“Anyway, I started to date a zillion girls all at once, as if doing that I would be able to show the world how I didn’t care that ‘John’s cute little kid’  were so popular, because I myself could be loved too. I ended up becoming very popular in high school because of that, and that popularity followed me all the way through college; my favorite hobby was to prank the new kids, and I was happy, I really was… But when you started college, no one could annoy me more than you, walking around with that stupidly bright smile on your face and your colorful girlfriends. That’s why I've always hated Meg, I guess. When you became best friends, she kind of replaced me in your life; all the things you should be doing with your big brother, you were doing with her. Late night movies, first time getting drunk, first time dating somebody, going out and having fun…”

“So when this crap happened to us last week, I talked to Mom for the first time in a really long time, a real conversation before she left to New York, and she made me realize all the shit I was doing to you. I tried to stay away from you, then, I avoided you and I promised myself that if we ever change back, I would move to another country. Hell, I would move to another planet if needed, just so you could have a better life. But then, Chuck and Cas dragged me to that stupid club where I met a girl that were really awesome and we kissed… And then I realized why I thought that girl were so awesome. I realized she was just like you. So if that’s what you really wanna know, yes, I do care for you. And yes, I still love you. That’s why I stopped being your big brother. That’s why I don’t want to be your brother anymore.”

I put a hand on his face and finally looked into his eyes, only to see that hazel I was looking for. I leaned in, without thinking too much, and just let our lips touch.

Just touch.

Then I realized the stupidity I was doing and I ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear beautiful people that read TOHFMIY, thank you so much for your support!! <3 I thought that maybe you would like to see what Sam's body modifications look like in this story, so there you go: http://estrupiciosdafic.deviantart.com/art/Dean-in-Sam-s-body-611658256?ga_submit_new=10%253A1464412818
> 
> Also, here's a bonus for all of those who love Dean's freckles as much as I do: http://estrupiciosdafic.deviantart.com/art/Sam-in-Dean-s-body-611658574?ga_submit_new=10%253A1464413123
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for encouraging me to keep on working on this story <3 <3


	16. Working things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV.

I had to try really hard to wrap my head around what the hell was happening in my life.   
Before anything, let me do a quick retrospective of the facts, to try to reach a conclusion about this crazy two weeks of my life, that had led me to be where I was right now (totally vulnerable, static, confused and stupid, helpless, sitting in the steps in front of my door, wearing the most ridiculous combination of clothes ever – since I had left the house in such a hurry earlier that day):  
I woke up in a beautiful day, with a major headache and stinking like alcohol, just to realize I had swapped bodies with my annoying evil big brother, and that our mother simply vanished, and I discovered that my friends were little witches-wannabe that wanted me and my evil big brother to get along (which we all knew that wasn’t going to work anyway). So Dean and I had the biggest fight, then we yelled at each other a bit more, and then we had another fight. Then he started to ignore me, kissed a girl with my body, and before I could even blink, we were heading to the hospital in Dad’s old motorcycle because Dean was such a pain in my ass and so dumb that he couldn’t even follow the easiest instruction in the world (don’t eat a apple. That’s all. Just don’t eat the damn apple). Then we fought again, but he ended up saying the most beautiful things that I had ever heard… and then, he kissed me.   
My head was still a little dizzy.  
So, now, that was me: inside the body of my evil brother that maybe wasn’t that evil, two days before Halloween, trying to understand what happened.   
I mean, it wasn’t a kiss. At least not a real kiss. But after all those years when we couldn’t barely exchange a word, a hug already seemed too much to handle, imagine a kiss!   
Right, maybe I was being a little paranoiac…  
It was just a kiss. Brothers kiss each other sometimes, right? I mean, when they’re really affectionate to each other, this kind of affection demonstration was normal, wasn’t it? I was probably just confusing everything, obviously Dean didn’t mean anything with the gesture, he was just showing that he cared about his baby brother.   
I was definitely a freak. I had built a sexual tension around Dean after that stupid indecent dream. What the hell was wrong with me?  
I closed my eyes and tried to convince myself that it was just a silly reaction to that dream. And I really tried! But my heart was still pounding in my chest, heavy and hard and alive, begging for it to be real, begging for that kiss to mean something more. I doubted that that feeling would to disappear anytime soon or that my heart would stop beating like crazy, but I forced myself to focus on something else.  
I suddenly realized how tired I was, and even though my head was still spinning, all I wanted was to sleep one entire week. Because finally I could. Finally, I could close my eyes and not worry about getting up really early in the next morning to avoid finding my angry brother, finally I could sleep without crying for hours because I missed my big brother. We were fine now, we were happy.

___________________

I woke up the next day feeling oddly satisfied. I could sense a wonderful smell coming from the kitchen, and without thinking too much, expecting to find my mom making breakfast, I just run to the kitchen and threw myself on one of the chairs. Thing was, it wasn’t my mom making breakfast, obviously, since she was only supposed to come back in a few days. I thought Dean would look completely out of place while making pancakes, but he looked strangely good in that flowery apron.  
“Morning.” He said, looking a little insecure (which was new, speaking of Dean), putting a cup of coffee in front of me.  
“Good morning” I replied, taking a long sip of the coffee, making Dean smile a little, relieved. “Coffee is really good.”  
“Thank you.” He said with the same little smile before stuffing his mouth with cereal from a bowl. “I called Mom to teach me how to make it. I spent half an hour trying to convince her that it was really me, she kept asking if we were still acting like crazy and if we wanted her to come back sooner.”  
I laughed so hard I almost choked on my coffee.  
“So,” Dean continued, handing me a paper towel. “Are we good?”  
“’Course!” My reply sounded completely automatic, but I think I was being sincere.   
“Great, so I’ll just change real quick and we can go together today.” He said with a big smile and left the kitchen. I just nodded and finished my coffee, following him upstairs.  
I opened Dean’s closet and thought about what I should wear, but I had no clue, so I went to the bedroom door and stuck my head out, calling for Dean.  
“Yeah?” He said, showing in the corridor with a pair of socks and my hear pulled up in a ponytail.  
“Where are we going?”  
Dean laughed, leaning on my bedroom door to avoid from falling.  
“Today is Tuesday, kitten, we have classes to go.” He said, still laughing, but turning back and returning to the room.  
Ah. That.  
I went back into the room and put the first clothes that I found, with a pair of worn sneakers and a cap on my head. It was good to be Dean, not having to worry about combing your hair and all. I went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and looked in the mirror. Dean’s face stared back at me with a toothbrush in his mouth. I shrugged and spit. Then I looked at myself again.  
Wait a second; did Dean just called me "kitten"?  
I put the toothbrush back in the cabinet and went out of the bathroom with a big question mark on my head, but Dean interrupted my daydreams when he came out of my room using a combination of clothes that were really something I would pick.  
“Wow” I said while he finished adjusting my hair. “You really do now how to act like me.”  
“It's a gift” He said, walking past me and down the stairs. I followed him out of the house and, once there, we looked at each other.  
That look had a lot of meanings that even I couldn’t explain, but the strongest meant that it was really unusual. At least for us now. It was the first time in many years that we were going to school together, without fighting or have fought before. Especially, it was really odd for us to be leaving the house without wanting to kill each other.  
I smiled, throwing his backpack over his shoulder and began to walk with Dean by my side. The walk was quiet, but not unpleasant, in fact we were just enjoying each other's company, moreover, the rare company of each other.   
It was only when we finally got to college, that the things got a little awkward, what with everyone staring at us like we were naked.  
We hadn’t stopped to think about it yet, but for us to arrive together was something like a thud in the hierarchical structure of the school. The popular jerk that used to run the place (which was me right now) alongside the loser with too long hair (which was Dean). We looked at each other and apparently had the same idea.  
“I see you at lunch” I said, punching lightly his shoulder.  
Dean nodded and turned around, heading to my first class.  
I smirked that way Dean did that made everyone in a 50 mile radius drop their pants or faint, and went my way. To my surprise, I was approached by the guys from the team almost immediately.   
“Speak” I said without paying much attention when one of them said hi.  
“Are you hanging around with Samantha?” one of them asked, making me stop walking and turn around for them.  
“Listen to me” I said with a frown. “His name is Sam. Leave him alone, ok?”  
“Why are you standing up for him now?” Jo asked, laughing a little and leaning on the guy’s shoulder. I hated that girl, I just hated her so much!  
“Because he’s…” I almost said ‘my brother’. But if they were acting like that, that could only mean that they didn’t know Dean and I were brothers. Also, what kind of brother would treat the other like Dean treated me, right? “He’s a nice kid. And you should be taking care of your life instead of mine.” I concluded, turning around and walking to my first class.  
Awesome. My happiness had just gone to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers!  
> I'd like to apologize for being so late with this chapter. I have no excuses, and for that I'm sorry.   
> Thank you so much for staying with me during all this time! I hope you liked this chapter and that you like the others to come as well.   
> Once again, I'm sorry for the mistakes you might find in this fic, since I'm not really good with the English language.  
> This story is almost complete by now, as you may know, so I hope you all keep reading 'till the end. I'll do my best to finish all of the chapters this week, so please stay tuned! <3


	17. The days before Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV

I don’t know how, but things seemed fine now. I mean, it could be better, since I had almost declared my feelings, but Sam haven’t said a word about it, so I just retreated to my little shell of self-hatred for being a little freak and kissing my baby brother.

For a long time after that, I thought about what I’ve done. I knew there were consequences, I knew that what I was feeling was absurdly crazy, completely sick for that matter, I just couldn’t find a way to care about it. At all. I had already made peace with the fact that I was in love with my younger brother.

That’s why I kissed him.

I mean, I shouldn’t even be calling that a kiss, really, it was just a little peck, but for a guy that had spent the last few years without being able to even talk to his brother without picking a fight, a _little peck_ was obviously too much.

The problem was: I shouldn’t have acted out on my crazy feelings; what if Sam freaked out about the whole perspective of his older brother being such a disgusting human being? What if we stopped talking to each other again?

I just don’t think I was going to be able to deal with it now that I knew how it was to be friends with him again.

I thought I might wanna throw up, but then again, since Sam didn’t seem to have noticed anything uncommon on that little display of affection (probably because he was such a nice kid that would never have thought about something like that), I wasn’t _that_ concerned about the consequences. I have decided to bury that failed attempt to kiss my baby brother forever, for the sake of our renewed friendship.

I mean, I would try to, at least.

So, for now, I was proud to say that we were finally getting along very well, thank you very much.

 

\----------------- 

 

The classes that morning had passed really quickly, considering I haven’t heard a single word of them, but that’s ok. I mean, slightly ok, because I knew that at some point Sam might would finally find out that I had missed pretty much about all of his classes for the last two weeks, but what could I possibly do? How could I focus on anything when the last thing Sam said was “see you at lunch”?

Hell, when have I suddenly turned into a girl? That whole ‘body swap’ was messing with my head real good.

When the classes were finally over, I was the first to run out of the room, probably because I was the only one that haven’t opened a single book during the entire period. Without thinking too much about what it would look like for other people to see the nerdy Sammy with his shaggy hair and backpack full of books running down the hall in full speed, I just ran to the cafeteria, where I knew I would find Sam and his friends.

I slowed down when I spotted Chuck and Cas, and approached them trying not to look too anxious.

“Hey” I said, throwing myself at one of the benches near them.

“Hey man” Chuck said giving me a little flick on the nose. “How are you? Better?”

It took me a couple seconds to pick up with what the hell he was talking about, but then I remembered that I had been at the hospital, like, yesterday.

“I’m good.”

“Great, ‘cause I’ll beat the hell out of you for leaving us behind to deal with those damn nurses and the most complicated set of questions ever” said Cas, towering over me and making me flinch. Slightly, I mean.

“Hey Cas!” said someone behind us, interrupting him, thank God. It was one of Sam’s friends. The hot one. Ruby or whatever. “Try not to hit him too hard, we’re trying to keep Sam’s body in a good shape for the eventual ‘changing back’ thing.”

I smiled in agreement when Cas rolled his eyes, but somehow still managed to slap me in the back of the head, making me see little stars all over.

“Where are the others?” Chuck asked, taking a seat by my side.

“Charlie went to buy her lunch with Megs” she answered, hugging him. I didn’t have time to notice how much close my friends were with Sam’s friends before, but now that I was there, they seemed _pretty damn_ _close_.

I was going to say something about it, but my thoughts were interrupted by that other crazy friend of them, the one Chuck had just asked about, running in our direction with a package of jelly beans.

“Help me!” she yelled, jumping on Cas and laughing. Apparently Meg was chasing her, looking really furious with her hair pointing out to everywhere.

“You little bitch, stop stealing my candy” she said, yanking the package from Charlie’s hands.

“Sorry” Charlie replied still unable to stop laughing.

“Hey people, look at that!” Chuck said interrupting them, calling everyone’s attention to a specific point towards our left. And by ‘specific point’ I meant ‘Sam’.

They all started to laugh before I could even realize what we were seeing, but once I saw him, I laughed too. Sam seemed to be having a lot of trouble getting away from one of my teachers (one that I knew very well, since she was always trying to hit on me; she was really old, that’s the least I could say without profaning the lady’s image). We could see in Sam’s suffering expression that she was bothering him for quite some time already, and he was obviously dying to run away from her, but he was just too polite to do so.

“Aw, that’s cute!” said Charlie, practically stealing the words from my mouth. Except that then she added: “Dean's manners are so much better now that he's actually Sam.”

“Hey, I AM very polite, young lady” I said in Sam’s most serious tone of voice, but that only made her laugh more.

She barely knew me, and was already making fun of me! How dare she?

I liked her very much already.

“So Dean, how is it like to try to sneak into pants two sizes smaller than your body?” asked Cas, obviously trying to make more fun of me.

I stopped to think for a moment and then raised my eyebrow, watching Sam finally walking away from the hideous teacher.

“You know, you just have to... slip into them. Is not that hard, actually.”

“Well, of course.” Said Ruby, rolling her eyes. “With Sam’s body, nothing is really hard to fit”

“Hey, what about my body?” Sam asked when he approached us. Everyone started laughing again. “Great, laugh at me, that’s what friends are for, am I right? You are all going to hell, just so you know.”

“That was HILARIOUS, you should have seen your face!” said Meg. She tried throwing a jellybean at him, but he just bent forward to avoid it and she missed. He then sat on the bench right by my side.

When everyone finally stopped laughing at Sam’s (actually, mine’s) face, Charlie started gazing at Sam and I really carefully.

“This is weird” she said making a face. “I mean, you two, seating together like that, without fighting or anything.”

I looked at Sam and he was smiling.

“I mean” she said again, touching lightly my face where Sam’s mole was. It was a little odd for me that she touched me like that, but then again, everything since this whole thing had started, everything was being so crazy, that I thought that maybe a _little odd_ was actually pretty normal so I just went with it. “Since the first time I met Sam, I have never seen you guys together, like ever. I always thought you were so different from each other, and that was why you were so distant, but now that you’re here, sitting side by side… I don’t know, but now when I look at you, you seem so much alike. Is like it doesn’t matter who is in who’s body, you just look the same. Does it make sense at all?”

“I think it does make sense.” said Chuck. I didn’t like being on the spot like that, but I was really interested in their theory, so once again I just went with it. “Perfectly. I guess it’s like Sam’s body look much more like Dean’s now, and Dean’s just look like Sam.”

I suddenly felt a shiver go through my body, because that was exactly how I felt about this whole situation, to be honest. I no longer felt like I didn’t belong where I was, it had started to feel just right for me being inside Sam.

I didn’t allow myself to give much thought about it, though, and Sam just rolled his (my) eyes and laughed at them.

“Could you please stop acting like Dean and I were exhibitions on the zoo?” he said standing up and stuffing his (my) hands on the pockets of the hoodie he was wearing. It was really weird seeing my body do stuff like that. Really weird. “So, have you guys already decided if we are going to that stupid dance or what?”

I arched my eyebrow and watched gaping while the girls (that included Sam) started talking about the pro and cons of going or not, walking towards the cafeteria again when Meg said she needed more jellybeans.

I had totally forgotten about that Halloween crap. How could I remember, with all the shit going on in my life right now?

“Are _we_ going?” I asked Cas when he took the place Sam just left.

“If the ladies are, yes. If not, well, then no.”

“What exactly is going on between you and Ruby?” I asked Chuck, feeling that I was completely missing what was happening in the life of my two best friends. For what I knew, Cas could have been in a trip to the Bermudas last week and I wouldn’t have had a clue.

“Chuck and Ruby are having an affair.” Answered Cas, since Chuck just froze for a moment.

“That I noticed. What I mean is: is it going to last more than one week? And what the hell is going on between _you_ and Charlie? Anything else I should know?”

“You know those two” Cas continued as if Chuck wasn’t present, which wouldn’t have made any difference, since he was practically ignoring us. “They are both bitches. They say they’re just ‘going out’ and it’s nothing serious, but they started hanging out two months ago and are pretty much together ever since.”

“And how about you and Charlie?”

“Charlie doesn’t like boys” he said shrugging. I thought he maybe looked a little upset about it, but I was sure it was all just in my head.

“So you’re done talking about my life like I wasn’t here?” asked Chuck, slapping both of us lightly in the arm.

“Yeah. I mean, if you don’t have anything else to say, we’re done”

“There’s nothing else to say, you two have already collected enough information to write a book about my life. Now, Dean, since I can’t beat the shit out of you because we are trying to spare Sam’s body, tell us how did you do get Sam to talk to you again?”

I stopped to think about what the hell he was saying for about two seconds before realizing that the last time we talked, Sam and I have had the worst fight in the History of bad fights.

“I don’t know, I think I just talked about what I was feeling” I replied smiling, remembering how it went when we sorted everything out and he accepted my apologies. And, of course, the kiss.

“Yeah, right, but what did you say, exactly?”

“I don’t know… I guess I just told him that I love him”

I saw Cas smiling at me and felt a little nauseated about I had just said.

“Finally, dude!” he said. “I’m glad you finally realized what was in front of your nose”

I rolled my eyes but refused to smile.

“And when did you realized it?” asked Chuck, looking really interested now. “I mean, you practically hated the guy during all those years, and you’ve been a dick to him, and a tremendous jerk, no matter how many times we tried to make you see that!”

“I guess it must have something to do with the fact that your friends are witches, but is just a guess” I said making a little fun of him. “But… I just really thought about things during the last two weeks, and I started to realize how bad things were, and then I got really confused when I...”

I stopped talking, not knowing how to say that. Chuck and Cas were my best friends and I knew they would never judge me, but that was a little too much, even for them. I thought about if I should tell them everything, and I felt Sam’s face getting warm with the thought of telling them what I felt about Sam.

“When you what?”

“When I…”

“Dude, say it already!”

“WhenIrealizedIwasinlovewithhim”

“YOU WHAT?” Chuch yelled, chocking on air while Cas probably tried to process the information.

“Yeah, I know how sick it is, I know this is disgusting, he is my baby brother, for fuck’s sake! I just can’t help it! I am pathetically in love with him! God, this is a mess! Aren’t you going to say anything? Please don’t hate me!”

Cas and Chuck looked at each other.

“Calm down” Cas said, putting a hand gently on my (Sam’s) shoulder.

“Well, Castiel” said Chuck, without looking at me. As if everything weren’t already so weird, now he was calling Cas by his real name. “I guess Dean just said he is in _love_ with Sam.”

“Yeah, I guess” said Cas, closing his eyes and looking really disappointed. I immediately regretted saying anything but I knew it was too late.

“So you know what that means, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

I opened my mouth to start to at least try to explain to them all the reasons I had to be in love with Sam, the way I was ready to risk everything for him and the way he gave me little heart attacks every time he was close enough. And then I was going to apologize to them for being such a freak, and beg on my knees for their friendship, but Chuck just smirked. Smirked!

“You owe me fifty bucks, little fella!” is what he yelled.

I looked at them chocked while Cas passed him the money.

Great.

Good to know that apparently I was the only one that haven’t noticed how much I loved my brother.

Really great.


	18. Wasting a little time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV

Meg, Ruby, Charlie and I went to the cafeteria still discussing if we should give the people of that college the honor of our presence in the party, but I wasn’t really listening.

I was thinking about what Charlie had just said about Dean and me.

I really felt much more comfortable in Dean’s body, now that we were talking and being friends again, but I wondered if it was just because we were brothers. Anyway, it was really odd to think that we were starting to notice similarities between us; I had stopped feeling like Dean and I were really brothers after everything that happened, but now every line that separated us were a little blurred.

Of course, I was glad that we were getting along, and I was actually happy that Dean wanted to make it up for all the years we missed, but I was also scared. Being brothers seems really dangerous when you start to feel things that you aren’t supposed to feel about your big brother.

I turned towards Meg and Ruby:

“Listen, this damn spell should’ve been gone by now, doesn’t it? I mean, we’re good! Dean apologized and already stopped being a total asshole. What else are we supposed to do?”

“Did you accepted his apologies?” Ruby asked just before she stuffed her mouth with whatever she was eating.

“Yeah”

“Really? ‘Cause you have to really mean it, you know? You have to truly forgive him.”

“Have you told Dean that this is what it takes to break the spell?” Meg asked before I had a chance to think about what Ruby had said.

“Well, no” I responded. “I figured Cas or Chuck must have told him, but I guess not... Should I talk to him, then?”

“That would probably help a lot” Charlie ruffed, slapping me lightly on the shoulder. “But what about the party? Should we meet at the mall after school to buy our costumes?”

“YES” Meg and Ruby yelled together.

“Well, I’ll talk with Dean” I said shrugging.

“Geez, are you two like that now? You started getting along again two days ago and are already talking like an old married couple!” Meg laughed.

“Blow me” I said, making an obscene gesture to her.

“Ew, no! Dean must have such a small penis!”

“I can assure you he doesn’t” I replied arching a brow. I tried not to think about that stupid dream I had, but Ruby was faster and interrupted what was probably going to be a very evil retort from Meg.

“You sound exactly like your brother” she said leaving us behind and starting to walk back to where Dean, Cas and Chuck were.

“So, what’s the verdict, ladies? Are we going?” Chuck asked as soon as we got close enough, standing up and hugging Ruby immediately (I wonder why they still cared to deny their relationship). I threw myself in his place next to Dean and let my head fall lightly on his shoulder. I mean, his head on my shoulder. Whatever.

While they talked about meeting at the mall after school, I tried to focus on what I was feeling at that moment. It was still very strange to be okay with Dean. At the same time, it seemed quite familiar.

I looked up and stared at Dean smiling. He put his arm around my shoulders and welcomed me in the hug a little more. I imagined how fun that scene would be for anyone looking; the guy who for so long had been the popular kid of the school being embraced by his thin and almost androgynous brother. I guess Dean started to realize the same thing when he began to laugh, making your chest - or rather my - go up and down. I laughed with him, getting away from his embrace just when the bell rang, announcing the beginning of the afternoon classes.

 

\-----------

 

I must say that surviving the afternoon classes were even worse than the morning classes. When they were finally over, though, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

I just threw Dean’s backpack over my shoulders and ran away from the crowded building as soon as the teacher finished the class. Dean, Cas and Chuck were right outside the front doors, talking loud and laughing about god-knows-what.

Dean smiled at me and I had to concentrate really hard not to blush.

Fuck, what was wrong with me? Why was I so fucked up in the head?

“Hey, see you guys later” I said. Dean always went back home with Cas and Chuck, so I just put on my headphones and walked back home. I didn’t blush, but my ears (I mean, Dean’s ears… Hell, I’m so fucking tired of this) were really warm the entire way.

Taking advantage of the fact that I no longer had to hide myself (so I wouldn’t pick a fight with my stupidly pretty big brother), when I got home I tried to defrost something that was minimally edible, something other than instant noodles or cereal. When Dean finally arrived, shouting my name from the front door, I was putting a full pan of mini pizzas on the table.

“I’m in the kitchen” I yelled back, suddenly realizing I probably sounded like my mother.

“Hey” Dean said showing in the kitchen and already stealing one of the pizzas. “Smells good”

“Frozen mini pizzas, my specialty” I answered making him smile.

I threw myself into a chair facing Dean, putting two pizzas lined up in front of me on the plate. The thing is that I had a lot more hungry now that I was in Dean’s body (and a strange desire to stuff myself with cereal, although I hated those disgusting little thingies). I imagined it was because his body was bigger, but really didn’t care about any of it.

“Dean” I said with my mouth full, since I had stuffed half of the little pizza on my mouth. Laughing, my jerk big brother arched his (my) eyebrows and waited for me to swallow before I started talking again. “You know when the girls said they were going to the mall later to buy their costumes for the Halloween dance?” He nodded a little distracted. I swallowed. “I was thinking... Well, do you wanna go with me?”

Dean stopped halfway to his mouth with his mini pizza, looking genuinely surprised. I froze for a moment, realizing I kinda of actually asked him to go to the dance with me too.

“Yeah, I mean, sure!” he said, smiling and dropping the rest of his mini pizza back on his plate. “I’ll go change and then we can go meet them in the mall”

I nodded and stuffed my mouth with food to prevent myself from throwing up. Dean ran away from the kitchen smiling and I felt myself melt on my chair.

What the hell was I thinking?

Now it seemed like a date!

But, I mean, I was probably exaggerating, right? After all, we were all going together, me, Cas, Charlie, Chuck, Meg, Ruby… and Dean. So I _was_ exaggerating. Probably.

I finished eating alone and went to the living room to wait for Dean to come down. I turned on the TV and tried to concentrate myself on whatever it was on, but my mind started to wonder again.

Those had been the oddest two weeks of my life. I never had any hopes about getting along with my brother again, but now there we were. I also never thought I was ever going to be able to forgive him… deep down, I felt like an idiot for forgiving him. Any other person in my situation would probably had just walked away forever and never want to look the guy in the face again! Or maybe they would have called the cops, children counsellor, whatever. I just couldn’t understand why Dean affected me so much that I was unable to get away from him. I just couldn’t stand the thought of leaving, and I was confused about either I should really consider him my brother again or not.

I just didn’t know what to do with my life! I liked Dean, and even though I knew I should hate him with all my forces for all the things that had happened between us, I knew he was good, I knew that despite all his flaws he was a great person. And I just couldn’t help thinking how beautiful he was, how much I loved his round green eyes and the freckles that sprinkled his skin and his stupid soft hair…

I loved that we were no longer fighting. I loved that he was trying to make it up for his past mistakes. But I also hated everything! I hated that I got to see just how much I loved him.

But most of all, I hated that I couldn’t love him.

On top of all that, I was still worried that we were only getting along because of the situation we were in. I feared that once we got back to our own bodies, things would just go back to being fucked up. I knew if it happened, this time would be worse. This time, I would miss him.

I was scared.

I was slowly falling in love with Dean.

 

\-------------

 

When we finally got to the mall - 30 minutes after a long discussion about either we should take Dad’s motorcycle again or we should call a cab. The motorcycle idea won by Dean’s insistence -, I jumped from behind Dean’s (my) body and took off my helmet.

“Wow” I said while he took off his own helmet. Dean smiled as if I had praised him (which I didn’t. He drove the damn motorcycle so fast that I was still a little shaky with fear. Stupid motorcycle!) and pushed me toward the mall building. Cas, Chuck and the girls were sitting in the food court waiting for us.

“Holy shit, huh, I thought you had given up the idea of arriving before the new millennium!” Chuck shouted, standing quickly and calling all the attention to Dean and me.

“Yeah! I was waiting for you to help me decide between new flats or boots for tomorrow!” Charlie said grabbing Dean’s arm (I mean, my arm) and pulling him towards a big shoe store. “Oh, no, wait! You’re not Sam”

We all laughed when she realized her mistake. The blush on her face was priceless, but it was Dean who surprised me most. In fact, he surprised all of us by indicating a pair of shoes in the shelf.

“You should try these,” he said scratching his neck and shrugging. Charlie, Meg and Ruby’s eyes widened toward the shoes that Dean had indicated and they analyzed them for a second. Thing was, the shoes were really cute.

“You’re actually right, dumbass” Meg said punching Dean in the arm and making him loose his balance.

I smiled, seeing him get embarrassed and walk quickly toward another store.

“The costume shop is to the other side” said Cas, pulling Charlie and Ruby away from the shoes before they decide to use Meg’s credit card and buy the whole store.

I saw Dean turn red and turn again, going in the opposite direction. Laughing, I followed him into the store while the others quietly followed us, looking at the shop windows.

“What kind of costume should I pick?” Dean asked when we stepped inside the store.

“I don’t know” I shrugged, looking at the the dozens of colorful clothes rack packed with bright and fancy clothes. “But I trust you to find something pretty for my body”

Dean just smiled and plunged through the racks of clothes. I shook my head and just did the same.

Some time later, I had tried a lot of different costumes, but in the end I ended up choosing a very common one. It wasn’t that original or colorful, but that's okay, Dean’s body had looked so beautiful in it that I just asked for the sales guy wrap it up for me and went looking for Charlie. I found her hidden under a colorful mountain costumes.

“What is all that?” I asked, laughing at her despair face, but helping to hold some of the clothes.

“Meg” she merely said, rolling her eyes. Instantly, Meg came out of the dressing room with a bright red long dress with a large opening in the bottom part, which showed her beautiful thighs. I would usually say that her thighs were fat, but it was because I liked to see her angry… I had to admit that the dress looked amazing, though.

“Perfect” I said, winking at her, who rolled her eyes.

“Thank you, but don’t wink at me with your brother’s eyes, it makes me want to throw up”

“Bitch” Dean said, appearing behind me with a big bag in his hands.

“Fuck you” she replied, entering the dressing room again.

“Whore” Dean whispered.

“I heard that, Winchester!”

“Hey, what’s up people?” Cas said interrupting Dean and Meg, coming to us already with his costume in a bag, like me, Dean and Charlie. Chuck and Ruby came behind him, Chuck carrying the two bags.

“Nothing, just Meg and Dean showing their endless mutual love” Charlie said, putting the costume mountain in the hands of an attendant. “She'll keep the red one” she added to the girl, referring to Meg.

 

\-----------

 

A couple of hours later, Dean and I were heading back home. When I recovered from the ride (I’ve never thought a thing so old could run so fast), I went directly into Dean’s room to put his costume in a safe place.

I took a long shower after that, being careful not to think about _the dream_ while touching Dean’s body. When I got to the living room and Dean took a sit right beside me on the couch, though, all my efforts seemed to be for nothing.

He turned on the TV and we started watching some stupid rom-com in completely silence. I was really uncomfortable, which was really strange, since I was actually trying not to stare at my own body. Dean seemed to be carefully concentrated in the girl who was crying copiously in the movie.

I was starting to feel a little nervous. The minutes were passing faster than normal and the room was getting darker and darker as the sun went down and then away completely. I couldn’t see much of the living room anymore, but I was too nervous to stand up and turn on the lights.

So I just stayed there, pretending to pay attention to the movie when I was actually watching Dean’s every move with the corner of my eyes.

“Sam?” Dean whispered in the dark. I almost jumped out of my skin. I mean, I was already out of my skin, what I mean is I almost jumped out of Dean’s skin.

“Yeah?” I said, turning slightly to look at him.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” I could tell he was hesitant. Realizing it made me even more nervous.

“Have you kissed many girls?”

I wasn’t expecting that, but I went along anyway.

“Not many” I answered quietly.

He nodded and turned back to the TV. I was almost paying attention to the movie this time when he talked again:

“What about boys?”

“Why do you wanna know that?”

“I don’t know, I just… You’re… I mean, you--”

“Not that many either.” I interrupted shrugging. It was a little funny seeing Dean act so awkwardly for once. He was always so confident I didn’t think I could be more attracted to him than I already was, but then he looked at me with those round wide green eyes and I was suddenly completely lost.

“How is it like? I mean, kissing a boy”

I had to refocus on the conversation to answer that one. Dean was staring at me looking genuinely interested.

“I don’t know, I guess is just as good as kissing a girl. It’s just a little rougher, though. Sometimes it involves a little stubble burns, but that’s ok too.” I said scratching my (I mean, Dean’s! I would never grow a beard, never. But it just looked too good on Dean, so I kept it) two days old stubble involuntarily.

Once again, Dean nodded quietly and turned his attention back to the movie. I almost missed when he whispered again, looking at me:

“I wish you knew just how I feel when I see you smiling”

I caught my breath and chocked on air. Suddenly, it seemed really difficult to remember how to breathe.

“I want to be the last one” he said, now looking directly onto my eyes. That’s when I saw it again, that flash of green where I should have been seeing my own eyes. “And I want you to be my first one. Can you be my last ‘first kiss’?”


	19. What we should be is what we are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV.

I knew I shouldn’t be doing that. There were rules I wasn’t supposed to be breaking. I had promised myself I would never be a jerk again, I had promised I would never do anything that could hurt Sam again, and I knew that what I was doing had all the chances to end in the wrong way.

The truth was that Sam was my last hope. My only hope.

I was only myself when I was with him, even though it took me years to find that out. My whole life had always revolved around Sam, it was always about the next thing I could do piss him off, the next prank I could come up with, the next thing I could do to grab his attention… it was always about Sam, Sam, Sam.

I knew it was pathetic. But I also knew that that was the reason everything made so much sense in my head. I didn’t care that he was my brother, I didn’t care that he was a guy, I didn’t care about the consequences, all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him and how much I wanted him to want me back.

That was why I couldn’t help saying those things.

My throat was tight with anticipation, and Sam was right there in front of me, staring at me with his widened hazel eyes, waiting for me to say something else, explain myself, but all I could do was stare back at him, fascinated that I could see his eyes even though I was still staring at my own face.

“I’m sorry” he said quietly. I wouldn’t have listened otherwise, but we were really close and I was hyperaware of his presence. “What did you just say?”

I took a deep breath and whispered again: “Can I kiss you, _Sammy_?”

Sam inhaled deeply before nodding.

And I kissed him.

Slow and soft, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. For a moment, I didn’t know where I stopped and Sam began. Sam’s heart hit uncontrollably in my chest, and I felt like I could jump out of his skin and it still wouldn’t make me stop felling that burn inside my chest.

I leaned into my body and waited for permission to deepen the kiss. Sam opened my mouth, and I just couldn’t help the little moan that escaped from his when I licked inside it.

I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I was kissing my brother. _I was kissing him_.

Sam seemed like he was having the same epiphany when we slowly finished the kiss. I held my cheeks with his hands and lost myself inside his eyes for a moment.

“I think I might be in love with you” I breathed.

Sam froze. “You—You what?“

I panicked. “That’s ok. You don’t— uh– You don’t have to say anything!” I answered pulling back.

Suddenly, I was really scared. What the hell was I thinking? I kissed him! I kissed Sam! I was supposed to protect him, I was supposed to be the older brother he never got the chance to have, but I was a complete jerk stead!

“No, I mean, why? What is this, Dean?” Sam was talking really fast. His heart, inside my chest, was beating like crazy and I didn’t know if it was because of the sudden panic attack or just side effect from the adrenaline of fucking KISSING MY BABY BROTHER.

I figured probably both.

It took me all my effort to open my mouth and say that to him: “I like you, Sam. I like you like a man. I know this is messed up, I really know. But I want to protect you, and I want to kiss you and be with you all the time. I’m not joking or trying to mess with you, I promise! I like you too much to do that.”

“Dean, I’m scared…”

“It’s ok. I don’t expect you to agree with me, Sam, I’m just asking for a chance. It’s all I’m asking. You know I changed, you know I’m not the same guy I was two weeks ago, and you have to know that I never wanted to hurt you. All I’m asking is a chance to show you that I care, all I’m asking is a chance to take care of you. Let me love you, Sammy, please!”

“Oh my god, why does it have to be so messed up? I’m so confused! I know you’re my brother, but I just can’t see you like this. It’s like my perception is all messed up and that is so scaring! I’m afraid were rushing things, I’m afraid this is happening just because of the spell, I’m afraid your feelings are going to change or that it’s not gonna be enough for us to keep it. What is going to happen if we decide that this isn’t working? What are we going to be after that? How can I call you my brother after that? What are we going to say to our MOM? Fuck! What am I gonna do if you decide that you don’t like me anymore, like you did before? I love you too, Dean, I fucking love you, but I can’t handle another disappointment!”

“You know that I am sorry for what happened in the past.” I said slowly, trying to grab my courage. Looking at my face and seeing Sam’s lost eyes looking back at me like he was searching for hope in my words gave me strength to continue: “But I’m not sorry for what just happened. I’m sorry if you think I screwed it all up again, but I really don’t regret what just happened. I can’t promise that everything will be ok, but I can promise you that I would never hurt you again. I also know that I don’t have the right to expect you to want to be my brother again—”

“Stop. Stop right there!” He covered his mouth with my hand. “It’s not like that! I know we had a hard time, and I’m sorry if I made you think that but I never wanted us to stop being brothers!” I nodded. I didn’t know if I was supposed to say something, but I was feeling a mix between relieved and sick, and my mind was spinning completely out of control. “I’m scared, I’m confused, and I love you because you’re my big brother, but right now… Right now, Dean, being your brother is everything I don’t want to be.”

I had exactly two seconds to worry about what he said.

And then he leaned forward and kissed me again.

It was like everything inside me were on fire and I just couldn’t help how happy I felt when he wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling me into his embrace.

I returned the kiss, and it was nothing like the first one. This one was heated, strong, and I immediately pulled my body into Sam’s lap. He kissed me like he needed it, he kissed me like he meant it, moaning softly between our lips while I held my body by the waist.

Once again I was lost between our bodies and I had no idea whose body were mine and whose were Sam’s. I felt my cock thicken and twitch involuntarily and I had to arch my back with a moan to prevent myself from coming embarrassingly fast just from a kiss.

That movement made Sam jump out of my lap immediately and I felt my chest (I mean, his) fill with cold fear again.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Sammy” I started mumbling, suddenly desperate. I tried to reach him, but he only pulled back. “I’m so sorry”

Fuck.

I saw him close my eyes and a tear rolled down my face. I felt weak and sick. I couldn’t believe I had just fucked up the best thing that had ever happened in my life because I just couldn’t control myself.

Everything was happening so fast!

Of course he was going to be scared, I was his big brother, I wasn’t supposed to touch him! I wasn’t supposed to feel things for him, I shouldn’t have acted out on my feelings. I should protect him, for fuck’s sake!

“I’m sorry” he whispered. I could barely listen him over the sound of his heart pounding on my chest.

“Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that, Sam. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched you, I’m such na idiot, what was I thinking? Fuck! Fuck!”

Sam was crying and I wanted to hold him in my arms, but I was so mad at myself I actually wanted to punch something.

“Is not like that” he whispered again, catching my attention. He was trembling lightly. “Is not you, it’s me, I’m so fucked up!”

“Sammy...”

“No, listen Dean, it’s my fault! It’s all my fault! I shouldn’t be there, they were smoking and I shouldn’t be there at the time!” he explained while wiping away his tears furiously. I was lost between the way he was talking like I was stupid and couldn’t understand the simplicity of what he was saying, and the fear that I’d hurt him.  “Mom told me to be careful, but I’m so stupid! I shouldn’t be there!”

“Sam, wait a minute, please! You’re not making any sense! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry if I did something that—”

“They were there first!” he yelled.

And then everything started making sense again.

“Who?” I asked slowly. Sam flinched.

“Your friends. From the team.”

“Did they touched you?”

Sam didn’t answer.

“Sam!” I yelled. He flinched again, closing his eyes. “Did they touched you? Did they? ANSWER!”

“N-no.”

“Sammy” I begged, holding my face between his hands now. He sobbed, reopening his eyes. “Tell me. Trust me, please!”

“They didn’t. I swear. They didn’t.”

And then he told me everything. About how they laughed about him and called him names, about how they made him take off his clothes and the fear they made him feel. He also told about how Chuck realized he wasn’t answering his phone and went looking for him, and how Chuck saved him and took care of the injuries they had caused him.

“It’s all my fault!” I said, crying like a child. I couldn’t explain how sad I was, and there was no measurement for the anger I was feeling. “Everything is my fault! I should have been there! I should have been the one there to save you! I am your big brother, it was my job to look after you! I’m such an idiot! How could I not notice everything happening right behind my nose?!”

“They said—“ Sam’s voice cracked. He tried again. “They said it was your idea. They said you told them to mess with me because I was such a—because I was such a freak... And a girl. But I knew better, Dean! I knew! I knew you wouldn’t do that!”

“Of course I wouldn’t! Of course!” I said crying even more. “I would never hurt you like that, you’re my baby brother! I love you, Sammy! I’ve always loved you.”

I pulled him in a hug, holding him tight against me.

His heart were pounding so fast against his ribs that I almost missed when he said: “I know. I trust you.”

And with that, for a moment, I felt every cell of his body vibrate, and suddenly it was my heart pounding against my ribs, it was my chest pulsating tight with love, it was my hands wrapped around his body. That was when I realized we’ve never actually been outside of our bodies, because my body belonged entirely to Sam, and his body were mine.

I opened my eyes, feeling every part of my “true body” tingling. Then I pulled Sam away from my chest so I could look into his eyes, and for the first time I was seeing the real Sam. My eyes flooded with tears again as I looked at his face, his messy too long hair falling all over it, his pretty pink lips twitching in a small smile, his eyes wide open and bright in that stupidly beautiful combination of blues and greens, and everything about him making me want to grab him and never let go. So I did it, and I kissed him again, feeling more alive than I had ever felt before.

“We’re back” Sam whispered, touching my face and my chest as if he was making sure it was really me.

“We never left” I answered smiling and holding his skinny waist firmly in my hands. I was afraid he was going to leave if I stopped touching him.

Sam didn’t even tried to reply, just kissed me again, and again, and again, climbing on my lap one more time and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

His scent was threatening to choke me, making me drown in desires again, but I knew I had to keep them for myself; I was afraid I was going to scare him again, and if that relationship had to be based on deprivation, then so be it. I wasn’t seeking anything but his affection, even if I wanted to touch him so bad it actually hurt physically, I could handle it.

At least I thought so, until Sam moaned and smiled during the kiss, ending it with a long smooch.

“I dreamed about you the other night” he said blushing. I wasn’t thinking straight, completely drunk from his kisses.

“Yeah? How was it?”

“Wet”

It was my turn to blush.

“Wet? Why is that?”

“Because I was, uh—I was in the shower... You were there too. It was so vivid it was actually a little scary.”

I just grunt and hid my face in the crook of his neck, feeling my entire face get embarrassingly warm. “I think I know what you’re talking about. I was in the shower, imagining you there with me, and then I could swear you were really there for a moment. I can’t explain why or how, I just knew it was you.”

 “You kidding me, right?”

“Well, no. I think it has something to do with the spell. I’ve dreaming about you a lot too, we must have been connected in some way. I mean, we’re obviously connected because of our bodies, but I guess the connection became more profound when we started to open up about what our feelings.”

Sam froze in my arms again. “So are you basically saying that this— us, together like this— is just side effect from the spell?”

“What? No!” I had to catch Sam's face between my hands to keep him in my lap when he tried to squirm away. “Listen to me, I love you. Not because of some stupid spell, regardless of that actually! This is not something new, also. I’ve always loved you, and I had a lot of time to think this straight, and I’ve only got to the same conclusion over and over again: I’m not myself when I’m without you.”

I kissed him slowly, and he let me, melting in my arms. In that moment, I was probably the happiest man on Earth.

Sam smiled against my lips and I couldn’t help smile back, hiding in the crook of his neck again. He tilted his head back exposing his throat and I explored the patch of tanned skin with my tongue. His weight was really hot all over me and I had to concentrate really hard not to scare him away again. I was so turned on, and the way Sam whimpered— fucking _whimpered_ —while I kissed his neck wasn’t really helping.

“Dean” he whispered. I moaned, letting go of Sam’s neck to look him in the eyes. “I really do trust you.”

“I know, Sammy” I whispered back, holding him firmly against me by his waist and kissing him softly. “But don’t worry about anything right now.”

“Okay” He said, smiling. I leaned back to kiss his throat, but Sam interrupted me again. “Dean?”

I smiled and turned to face him again. “Yeah?”

“Are you happy? With this happening?”

“I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been in my life” I chuckled, fisting my hand through his hair. Sam leaned on the touch like a kitty, little smile tugging on the sides of his stupidly pretty mouth. I just didn’t understand how I had the courage to hurt him in the past. He looked so tiny, so small (even though he was almost 2 inches taller than everyone I knew) that all I wanted to do was keep him away from everything. Most of all, I wanted to kill every person that had ever tried to hurt him, even though I was aware that I was the one that had really hurt him. “Are _you_ happy, Sam?”

“Yes, I am.”

I looked into his eyes searching for any sight that something were wrong, but Sam seemed happy. Content.

“Sam?” I asked again after he kissed me lightly. Sam looked at me seeming curious at my serious tone. “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

He whispered. “Yes.”

That was all the confirmation I wanted. I let out a groan and stood up from the couch, lifting Sam against my chest.

“What are you doing?” he asked laughing, trying to get away from the embrace, but I just held him closer and kissed him chastely on the lips.

“I’m taking you upstairs.” I said simply, carrying him to his room.

I laid Sam carefully on the bed and we were instantly swallowed by the stars that filled his room. I was so in love that it actually hurt, and he was so beautiful in that moment that I just wanted to wrap that moment and keep it in my heart forever.

“I love you so much” I whispered, leaning to kiss him. Sam just moaned and kissed me back, fumbling with my shirt and trying to yank it off my chest, desperate all of a sudden. I was so incredibly lucky! “Hey, easy there buddy.”

“I don’t want easy, Dean! If I wanted it easy, I wouldn’t be here with you!”

“Well, I’m flattered, then.” I chuckled and tried to say something else, but Sam was faster.

He kissed me as if he was afraid I was going to vanish in thin air. Like I could, even if I wanted. And, fuck, that was the last thing I wanted.

I kissed him back and helped him taking off my clothes while he tried to take off his impossibly tight jeans. I groaned unable to stop myself, leaning in to kiss every part of his chest I could reach, my hands gripping his waist tightly. We hadn’t even touched each other yet and I was already struggling with the effort of not to come just from the sight of Sam laying there under my body.

I wanted to kiss every part of his body, I wanted to worship him the way I knew he deserved, I wanted to feel every inch of Sam against me. My heart was pounding like a hammer inside my chest and all I could think was how fucking beautiful Sam was, how his eyes made me feel warm inside, how hot his skin was against mine.

I kissed him again, slowly this time, and then looked into his eyes. I wanted his permission, I _needed_ him to allow me touch him before I did anything. I would never forgive myself if I hurt him again.

“I trust you” Sam repeated when I locked our sights, holding me with a hand on the back of my neck. I smiled kissing him again, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth, and allowed myself to lower my body over his, trapping Sam under me and making him groan softly. He kissed down my neck with his mouth open and bit into the flesh that curved into my shoulder and I couldn’t stop moaning and finally moving my hips over his.

I couldn’t believe I finally got Sam like this, all pliant below me, our cocks touching lightly as we kissed. I could feel the pre-come dull out of my cock and all I could do keep me from coming was pull back.

“Are you sure you want that, Sammy?” I asked in a whisper again. Sam moaned in frustration and pushed me away from him just to shove me against the mattress a second later.

“Quit treating me like a baby, Dean! I want this, I won’t break. I’m just as hard as you are, so just stop worrying, for fuck’s sake!”

“I’m not treating you like a baby, Sammy.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little. He was so fucking adorable. “I’m treating you the way you deserve.”

“Well, then I deserve that you give me what I want.” He replied and kissed me again, moving his hips over mine in a slow pace that would probably make me crazy.

I smiled again at how fucking lucky I was before I wrapped a hand around mine and Sam’s cock. He grunted and arched his back, but didn’t stop moving his hips, fucking my fist with slow thrusts.

“Fuck” he whispered against my lips, leading one hand to wrap around mine, helping me to tighten the grip around our cocks. “I don’t think I’m gonna last much”

I groaned. “It’s okay. Come for me Sammy.”

And he did.

I felt his cock throb against mine, and I couldn’t stop myself from grunting like an animal when it hit me, feeling his load paint my chest in white while I orgasmed so hard that my heart felt like it was being dilacerated. It was intense, it was like something caught fire inside my chest and kept me from breathing, compressing my lungs as my whole body vibrated with it.

And if anyone asked, I would say that at that moment, we were more brothers than we ever could be.


End file.
